I don't know how to handle these feelings that I have come up to the surface... feelings that I have been bottled up for the last 10 years.
I thought that if I could talk about my condition with people - premature ovarian failure - without crying, I was past this feeling but it seems that I am not okay. I am not okay with what has happened to me. I just bottled it so down deep inside of me, that it has ruined the good things that I do have.
I am ashamed of the things that I have done to the people that I love... and the way that I have treated them.
And I am especially ashamed of the way that I have treated myself because of it... I should never have bottled up way that I feel.
ANGRY
RESENTMENT
HURT
And who knows how many other feelings that I am holding onto because I have not let myself deal with these true feelings of how things and opportunities were taken away from me - and I didn't have a say in it.
For those that don't know, in 2011 at the age of 32, after I had our beautiful baby girl, I was diagnosed with premature ovarian failure. Well, that diagnosis didn't come until she was almost 4 years old... I was originally told that I was in menopause at the age of 32 - a year and a half after I had our daughter.
It wasn't until I had gone thru 3 different invitro doctors that the diagnosis was finally given to me... 4 years of before sunrise, weekly doctors appointments. Four years of doctors telling us that they weren't going to stop until I got pregnant again - we had no trouble getting pregnant the 1st time.
It was a long 4 years of my self-esteem taking a hit and I didn't say how I was feeling, just going thru the motions.
It was a long 4 years of hoping and praying that I would be able to give our daughter a sibling, that she would ask me for almost everyday - especially when she learned how to talk and understand the concept of a sibling.
But it's been a longer 10 years of me not realizing that I have been hurting both my husband and daughter for something that I didn't have control over cause I didn't know at the time was hereditary (and we don't know how long it has been happening to the women in my family!)... when I should have been focused on what was in front of me and working on me.
I've lost all sense of me because I wasn't focused on the important things in my life... the things that I was blessed with. And honestly, I thought that I wasn't doing anything wrong until I was pointed out to me and yet I never did anything to fix the problems that I was having because I didn't see any problems.
It wasn't that I was trying to be a bitch or harsh but I was and it's come to bite me harder than in my whole entire life... and I am embarrassed because this was something that I could have taken care of a long time ago - why have I been "killing" myself with this negativity inside of me?
I have been kidding myself of trying to find the "positive" in life when I was dealing with so much rage and anger inside of me that was bottled up for so long.
It's been a wake up call for me... and it's not like this the first time that I am facing the mirror of my mistakes.
But for the first time, this hurt and pain is something that I don't know how to handle because it was something that blindsided me so long ago.
I need to work on so many things from this point forward - not only for myself but for the sake of my family. And I hope by putting this out in the world, I am finally coming to the realization that I must handle this now and for good!
I pray to God(s) that get past this upset feeling that I have right now so I can come out stronger on the other side.
I need to do this... my life depends on it.
