Strange feeling

Have you ever woken up from an night's sleep with a strange feeling?
A feeling that you just can't pinpoint? Not knowing if it's good or bad... whether or not it's a good feeling or a bad one.

All I know, is that I wish that I was back in the safety of my house, under the blankets... waiting for this work day to end so that I can get home, and get to the gym.
I want to pump some iron... and just get back home to relax with my two loves.

Things have been a little nuts in my head... I need some fresh air in my head, to be able to breath some fresh air into my lungs.
This has been a very long winter, as much as it is officially spring, we had a lot of snow come down on Monday and I am ready for full sunshine... the heat on my face, the cool breeze flowing through my hair. Being able to roll down the windows of my car or open the windows of my house... and just feel the breeze.

I am sitting here writing this out with tears in my eyes... I don't know how to feel right now.

I just want this feeling to just go away...
I want to feel normal again...
I want to smile and keep the smile on my face...

It's a short post... but it's a powerful one for me.
I am not admitting defeat because that isn't what this is... it is just a set-back. I will bounce back from this... just scared on how long it will take me to do so.

No More Excuses

Yes... exactly that... No More Excuses!

I have set forth a goal for myself for the next two months... more gym time for myself and my family.
No more excuses on why we - or better yet I - can't get to the gym.

I was asked, along with some other women in a Madison, Wisconsin group, to be included in a swimsuit calendar cover shoot... for a chance to grace the cover of the No Excuse Mom 2016 calendar.

I feel so honored to be among the women that will be suiting up on April 26th for a photo shoot in our swimsuits... but I am also so nervous about it.
I have a whole month to get into the best shape that I can for this shoot... and this is the best kick-in-the-a$$ for myself to get into the best shape of my life.

Even before I got the invite, I was working on a goal board for myself - to hang in my bedroom - for the next two and a half months.
I want to be in the best shape of my life... with my upcoming 7th wedding anniversary in May... with our 9th year of being together coming up in June... my 38th birthday in November. And so many other events upcoming in my life that I want to look fantastic for.

My goal chart

So this is the chart that I will be waking up to for the next two and half months... the goal chart that I will see at any time that I open my eyes at any point during my day, this is what I will see in my room. To remind me that I have set goals for myself... and my life.

I want to be comfortable in my own skin... to be able to rock any outfit that I want and have my husband see me in a different light.

The little circles are all the pounds that I have to lose... yes... there are a lot... yes, I plan on losing each and everyone.

Seeing the visual of the weight that I want to lose will be a bigger push for me.

I know that I can do this... I have the support system already in place.

And I am ready to do this. I am ready to knock those pounds off my body for good... they have been given a pink slip and they have 90 days to vacate! 

I have 19 days until my daughters 5th birthday... I am really hoping to be able to lose at least 10 pounds, if possible.
I know that it's a lot to ask... but I know that if I really put my mind to it, I can do it!

Wish me luck... I plan on updating my blog more often now because of my goals.

I want to be able to show how excited that I am in doing this.

Why do I feel alone right now?

Why do I feel alone right now? Why am I afraid to post this? 
It's not that I am... just that I feel it.
Feel as though I'm an outsider, for some reason... I'm sitting here wondering.
It feels so strange... not being able to just pick up a feeling and make it go away.
It feels so out of touch... that I have the love of my husband, daughter, mother and friends but have lost the love of a brother.

That's what I am feeling... the lost love of a brother.
When he sent me a text for Thanksgiving that he was not going to come over... instead spent it with "friends". Couldn't even come to my house for my birthday... 
I haven't seen him since October... time before that, June... time before that, April... time before that? Probably the year prior.

My daughter will be 5 in 32 days... I sent him an invitation to her party.
I don't think that I will hear from him... instead I will get a text stating that he and his family won't be able to come. My nephews birthday is two days prior to my daughter's birthday... but of course, he will make the excuse that they can't come over for a little while to spend time with the only niece that he has. 

My only child.... my little girl that doesn't ask about her two cousin's anymore because she's probably forgotten about them.
My only child... that adores her cousin's but since they are older than her, they could care less about seeing her or talking to her.
My only child... that when first faced with her uncle, was afraid of him but as she grew older, loved being around him since he would give her the attention that she so desired from him.

My brother... the only sibling that I have but for some reason, can't stand the sight of my family.
My brother... the one person that I did anything for, without question.
My brother... who when was married, I was the first one to know and I took them out to eat to celebrate.
My brother... who I helped with his two children, when things were going for them. I was always there to help out.

But I write this open letter to him... as I will not be making an attempt any more. 
I will no longer be shedding any tears for him any longer...

As time passes, I realize that my relationship with some people have just changed. I am so drained in knowing that things will never be the same.

The dream that I had last night of the huge party that you invited everyone to, except for me, showed me even more that our lifetime bond is officially gone.

I realize that you have your own family now... and I understand that... but we were family once and you used to come to me with stories and advise that you needed. 

I have tried reaching out to you, my little brother, to let you know that I am here for you... but I guess I am not needed in your world. I now understand the pain that our mother is going through because of your choice to push your parents and sister out of your world. I guess we don't live up to your current standards of family.

I have put myself on the line for you so many times, only to be continued to be trampled by you.

Only when you have been drinking do you remember that you have a sister, a mother, a niece, a father and a brother-in-law... other than that, we do not exist to you.

Even writing this note - that you will never see - hurts me, that tears fall down my face. But I must wipe them away because crying them makes no difference if you aren't around to see that the way that you act towards me actually hurt.

Not only have I lost you, I have lost the two boys that you brought into my life when I was alone - my two nephews. Two boys that know NOTHING about me. Two boys that don't like being around me, when they used to love hanging out with me. Two boys that don't know anything about their only cousin that lives close to them, and who adores them from the moon and back. She used to constantly ask about them but since you took them away, they could care less about having her in their life and she doesn't ask about them anymore.

Your brother-in-law continues to tell me that you love me in your own way, but I don't see it... I woke up crying from that party dream that I had and he tried to reassure me that you wouldn't ever not invite me to something important in your life. I turned to the side... and knew deep inside, that you have already done that to me too many times - excluding me from your life is the biggest part that is being done right now.

So with this note, that you will never see, I bid you good-bye, little brother.

I know that you will always be in my heart but never in my life... not the way that I expected you to be.

I love you with all that I am and forever will.

Post gym... Day 2

Its been a while since I've been consistently going to the gym since my accident on February 9th.

But I started off the week at the gym and even went again - alone - last night.
It has been feeling great going to the gym again... I surely missed it.

I missed the pulling and the pushing of my muscles against the machine... And I missed the feel of the weights under my fingers.

I was so happy that I was able to lift weights on Monday night with the hubby. He clued me in on some new ways of lifting the free weights... And the muscles that those particular exercises would be working. It was a great feeling. And I hope that we have that time together at the gym tonight... I absolutely missed him but it was nice to have that alone time, while the Miracle Princess was in daycare with other kids.

There are some women that will say that I am being selfish... knowing that my daughter is away from me all day long while I am working, then I put her in a daycare while I work out.
Where is the time that I spend with her? I can tell you where it's at... it's at home when she is on her tablet, learning and asking asking me questions about something. Or when she colors something and she shows me.
Or when we are laying on the couch watching something, and she wants to snuggle with me.

Or when we are in the car, early in the morning and she's talking to me.

Or last night, when she was excited to be going to the gym and tells me that I can keep her forever... that I can feed her, take her to the movies, take her to the gym, give her snacks, cuddle with her, snuggle with her... my daughter knows the time that I spend with her.

So no... I don't feel bad about taking time for myself, because I am doing this for her. I am doing this for my husband. I am doing this for myself. 

I am becoming a better for my daughter... so that she has someone to look up to. To know that your body doesn't define you. You become a stronger person at the gym... so that those that inspired you, know that they made a difference. And so you inspire others to make a difference in their lives.

I am a no excuse mom... and I will build up a no excuse daughter... and I have a no excuse husband/father. 

We are a no excuse family!

Not sure if you noticed... but I changed the title of my blog.

When I first started up this blog, I was fooling myself that I was "Starting Over"... but you can only start over (for real) so many times.

There comes a time when you just have to take the bull by the horns and face your enemy... yourself!

I am tired of saying that I want to "start over"... I just want to have the motivation (that I have in my heart) to come out all the time.

So far I've gone to the gym twice this week... even though I was in massive pain from my ankle sprain yesterday, I still made it. It took a lot of dedication from my end to go... I could have just sat on the couch and complained to my daughter about the pain that I had, but as soon as I got home with her, I got ready - while the dog was stretching her legs outside - and finished up while she ate and went back outside to do her business.

As long as I am out of the house, as soon as I get home, I am good.... I just don't want to be waiting around because then my motivation to get out of the house diminishes.

So that's why I changed my blog title... cause it's finally my time to do this and do this right.

I became a No Excuse Mom leader for a reason... to give the inspiration that I had been given to others. To inspire someone to take control of their life and become a better & healthier person.

So... if I want to inspire others and I keep getting inspired by others, why can't I keep that momentum going for myself?