It's come to the surface

Sometimes I want to run and hide.

I don't know how to handle these feelings that I have come up to the surface... feelings that I have been bottled up for the last 10 years. 

I thought that if I could talk about my condition with people - premature ovarian failure - without crying, I was past this feeling but it seems that I am not okay. I am not okay with what has happened to me. I just bottled it so down deep inside of me, that it has ruined the good things that I do have. 

I am ashamed of the things that I have done to the people that I love... and the way that I have treated them. 

And I am especially ashamed of the way that I have treated myself because of it... I should never have bottled up way that I feel. 

ANGRY

RESENTMENT

HURT

And who knows how many other feelings that I am holding onto because I have not let myself deal with these true feelings of how things and opportunities were taken away from me - and I didn't have a say in it.

For those that don't know, in 2011 at the age of 32, after I had our beautiful baby girl, I was diagnosed with premature ovarian failure. Well, that diagnosis didn't come until she was almost 4 years old... I was originally told that I was in menopause at the age of 32 - a year and a half after I had our daughter.

It wasn't until I had gone thru 3 different invitro doctors that the diagnosis was finally given to me... 4 years of before sunrise, weekly doctors appointments. Four years of doctors telling us that they weren't going to stop until I got pregnant again - we had no trouble getting pregnant the 1st time. 

It was a long 4 years of my self-esteem taking a hit and I didn't say how I was feeling, just going thru the motions. 

It was a long 4 years of hoping and praying that I would be able to give our daughter a sibling, that she would ask me for almost everyday - especially when she learned how to talk and understand the concept of a sibling.

But it's been a longer 10 years of me not realizing that I have been hurting both my husband and daughter for something that I didn't have control over cause I didn't know at the time was hereditary (and we don't know how long it has been happening to the women in my family!)... when I should have been focused on what was in front of me and working on me.

I've lost all sense of me because I wasn't focused on the important things in my life... the things that I was blessed with. And honestly, I thought that I wasn't doing anything wrong until I was pointed out to me and yet I never did anything to fix the problems that I was having because I didn't see any problems.

It wasn't that I was trying to be a bitch or harsh but I was and it's come to bite me harder than in my whole entire life... and I am embarrassed because this was something that I could have taken care of a long time ago - why have I been "killing" myself with this negativity inside of me?

I have been kidding myself of trying to find the "positive" in life when I was dealing with so much rage and anger inside of me that was bottled up for so long.

It's been a wake up call for me... and it's not like this the first time that I am facing the mirror of my mistakes. 

But for the first time, this hurt and pain is something that I don't know how to handle because it was something that blindsided me so long ago.

I need to work on so many things from this point forward - not only for myself but for the sake of my family. And I hope by putting this out in the world, I am finally coming to the realization that I must handle this now and for good!

I pray to God(s) that get past this upset feeling that I have right now so I can come out stronger on the other side.

I need to do this... my life depends on it.

It's been a long while

Have you ever felt like you were meant for so much more in this life but end up just being “complacent” in the here and now? We should never feel that way, no matter the situation. Every day that we wake up, we should have a grateful heart. Things will always have a way of being alright, as long as you believe that it will in your heart and mind.

We just need to focus on the good, which you would think would be easy but in life, but in our life we tend to focus on the bad because feeling “useless” is something that others – and even ourselves – tend to do to ourselves and that’s the feeling that overpowers the sense of good inside of us.

Do I want to feel “useless” or like a “failure” because of the should-of’s, could-ofs, would-of’s of my past? No, of course not but we tend to dive right into the deep end of those feelings really quick! There is so much more to life than what could have been. We swim against the current of life, instead of swimming with it so that we can see what else there is in life for us to accomplish. We are all afraid of the unknown, and of course it is just easier to “go with the flow” but nothing is ever gained with going with the flow when deep down inside we are all meant for greatness in our own lives.

In this life, I try so hard to turn things around for myself. I try to find the greatness in life but there are times that I am so weighed down by all the things that are happening, that I forget to open my “eyes” and see all the wonderful things that have been laid out in front of me. Do I mean to “forget” about the good in my life? No, of course not! I try to focus on the good because I know that feeling of “failure” or “useless” will go away but man, it’s a struggle. I need to what I can to make those demon feelings go away because I am way to blessed with the things in my life to be worried about the devil thinks about me. And by devil I mean the bad in this world. The devil comes in many shapes and sizes and comes in even the shape of people that you think that have your back or consider your family/friends. Just when you think that “people” will care and show you how they appreciate you, that’s when people show their true colors – when you are feeling your best or trying your best to make things right.

Don’t get me wrong, there are people in this world that will bend over backwards to see you succeed in your life and even go out of their way to cheer for your from the sidelines or stand right next to you in order to see you succeed. And those are my kind of people. I am all for rooting for others. We should be lifting each other up, not knocking each other down because you might feel threatened by change or threatened by someone bettering themselves.

I sound like I am rambling but I just wanted to get this off my chest. I want my daughter to one day see this posting and know that from the beginning, her mom was one of those people that believed in helping others isn’t about being weak but instead, it is something that makes you a stronger person.

And even though I haven't posted on a while, I needed to get this off my chest first before I start blogging again. 

Writing helps me so much and I miss it. 

Sunday Evening

It's Sunday evening and for the first time in weeks, I am sitting on the couch, watching a movie with my #MiraclePrincess... while the hubby sleeps on the other side. LOL!

I was able to submit my homework in a timely manner that allowed me to hang out with my two loves.

This weekend was amazing... spent time with my two loves, was able to go out for a birthday party for my friends daughter and even caught up with an old friend on Saturday night. I was even able to get all the Christmas cards addressed... just need to mail them out.

I'm all settled in for the night... and looking forward to the week ahead.

And I am so happy that I'm back to writing... hoping to keep this up in the new year.

Wishing you a wonderful evening... and a great new week. XOXO

♡☆♡☆

End of Year... New beginnings

And what a year it has been... I am both proud and disappointed in myself.

I wanted to accomplish so much this year, and even though I have accomplished more than what I set out to do, I have let other things that were very important to me fall to the wayside. Like this blog for example, I worked hard on it for many years and this year... I have only written in it 11 times (not counting this one). Why? Why did I let something that helped me so much in years past, go so far back into the back of mind that I had almost forgotten about it?

But I will not allow this to be called a defeat because that is not what this is... it is only a set back. I will bounce back to the person that I was and make sure that I do what makes me happy - especially in the new year.

So much good has happened to me this year...

• Started up school again and in about 6 months, I will be graduating. Which I am completely and utterly excited about!
• Our #MiraclePrincess has started kindergarten and she will be graduating in about 6 months as well.
• I have started a new job in a new industry and I am so happy that I have done this leap in my life and in the life of my family.
• The repairs to the house are coming along... the hubby is kicking butt and taking names!

And so many other things have happened that it would take me a while to list them all out... but of course the good comes with the bad and I'm not about to start pointing out all the disappointing things that I have accomplished because I hope to be able to fix all those disappointing things in the new year. 

I don't want to end another full year with disappointments, but I will leave them in 2015 and know that in 2016, things will be better and I will not end it disappointed in myself.

I have said and done things that have hurt both me and other people... and I tend to make amends to all that. I want to continue to grow as a person and continue to learn more about myself and what I'm capable of doing.

I am 2 years away from being 40 years old... I want to make these 2 years count and ring in another decade of my life, looking back knowing that I am a better person.

Strange feeling

Have you ever woken up from an night's sleep with a strange feeling?
A feeling that you just can't pinpoint? Not knowing if it's good or bad... whether or not it's a good feeling or a bad one.

All I know, is that I wish that I was back in the safety of my house, under the blankets... waiting for this work day to end so that I can get home, and get to the gym.
I want to pump some iron... and just get back home to relax with my two loves.

Things have been a little nuts in my head... I need some fresh air in my head, to be able to breath some fresh air into my lungs.
This has been a very long winter, as much as it is officially spring, we had a lot of snow come down on Monday and I am ready for full sunshine... the heat on my face, the cool breeze flowing through my hair. Being able to roll down the windows of my car or open the windows of my house... and just feel the breeze.

I am sitting here writing this out with tears in my eyes... I don't know how to feel right now.

I just want this feeling to just go away...
I want to feel normal again...
I want to smile and keep the smile on my face...

It's a short post... but it's a powerful one for me.
I am not admitting defeat because that isn't what this is... it is just a set-back. I will bounce back from this... just scared on how long it will take me to do so.

No More Excuses

Yes... exactly that... No More Excuses!

I have set forth a goal for myself for the next two months... more gym time for myself and my family.
No more excuses on why we - or better yet I - can't get to the gym.

I was asked, along with some other women in a Madison, Wisconsin group, to be included in a swimsuit calendar cover shoot... for a chance to grace the cover of the No Excuse Mom 2016 calendar.

I feel so honored to be among the women that will be suiting up on April 26th for a photo shoot in our swimsuits... but I am also so nervous about it.
I have a whole month to get into the best shape that I can for this shoot... and this is the best kick-in-the-a$$ for myself to get into the best shape of my life.

Even before I got the invite, I was working on a goal board for myself - to hang in my bedroom - for the next two and a half months.
I want to be in the best shape of my life... with my upcoming 7th wedding anniversary in May... with our 9th year of being together coming up in June... my 38th birthday in November. And so many other events upcoming in my life that I want to look fantastic for.

My goal chart

So this is the chart that I will be waking up to for the next two and half months... the goal chart that I will see at any time that I open my eyes at any point during my day, this is what I will see in my room. To remind me that I have set goals for myself... and my life.

I want to be comfortable in my own skin... to be able to rock any outfit that I want and have my husband see me in a different light.

The little circles are all the pounds that I have to lose... yes... there are a lot... yes, I plan on losing each and everyone.

Seeing the visual of the weight that I want to lose will be a bigger push for me.

I know that I can do this... I have the support system already in place.

And I am ready to do this. I am ready to knock those pounds off my body for good... they have been given a pink slip and they have 90 days to vacate! 

I have 19 days until my daughters 5th birthday... I am really hoping to be able to lose at least 10 pounds, if possible.
I know that it's a lot to ask... but I know that if I really put my mind to it, I can do it!

Wish me luck... I plan on updating my blog more often now because of my goals.

I want to be able to show how excited that I am in doing this.

Why do I feel alone right now?

Why do I feel alone right now? Why am I afraid to post this? 
It's not that I am... just that I feel it.
Feel as though I'm an outsider, for some reason... I'm sitting here wondering.
It feels so strange... not being able to just pick up a feeling and make it go away.
It feels so out of touch... that I have the love of my husband, daughter, mother and friends but have lost the love of a brother.

That's what I am feeling... the lost love of a brother.
When he sent me a text for Thanksgiving that he was not going to come over... instead spent it with "friends". Couldn't even come to my house for my birthday... 
I haven't seen him since October... time before that, June... time before that, April... time before that? Probably the year prior.

My daughter will be 5 in 32 days... I sent him an invitation to her party.
I don't think that I will hear from him... instead I will get a text stating that he and his family won't be able to come. My nephews birthday is two days prior to my daughter's birthday... but of course, he will make the excuse that they can't come over for a little while to spend time with the only niece that he has. 

My only child.... my little girl that doesn't ask about her two cousin's anymore because she's probably forgotten about them.
My only child... that adores her cousin's but since they are older than her, they could care less about seeing her or talking to her.
My only child... that when first faced with her uncle, was afraid of him but as she grew older, loved being around him since he would give her the attention that she so desired from him.

My brother... the only sibling that I have but for some reason, can't stand the sight of my family.
My brother... the one person that I did anything for, without question.
My brother... who when was married, I was the first one to know and I took them out to eat to celebrate.
My brother... who I helped with his two children, when things were going for them. I was always there to help out.

But I write this open letter to him... as I will not be making an attempt any more. 
I will no longer be shedding any tears for him any longer...

As time passes, I realize that my relationship with some people have just changed. I am so drained in knowing that things will never be the same.

The dream that I had last night of the huge party that you invited everyone to, except for me, showed me even more that our lifetime bond is officially gone.

I realize that you have your own family now... and I understand that... but we were family once and you used to come to me with stories and advise that you needed. 

I have tried reaching out to you, my little brother, to let you know that I am here for you... but I guess I am not needed in your world. I now understand the pain that our mother is going through because of your choice to push your parents and sister out of your world. I guess we don't live up to your current standards of family.

I have put myself on the line for you so many times, only to be continued to be trampled by you.

Only when you have been drinking do you remember that you have a sister, a mother, a niece, a father and a brother-in-law... other than that, we do not exist to you.

Even writing this note - that you will never see - hurts me, that tears fall down my face. But I must wipe them away because crying them makes no difference if you aren't around to see that the way that you act towards me actually hurt.

Not only have I lost you, I have lost the two boys that you brought into my life when I was alone - my two nephews. Two boys that know NOTHING about me. Two boys that don't like being around me, when they used to love hanging out with me. Two boys that don't know anything about their only cousin that lives close to them, and who adores them from the moon and back. She used to constantly ask about them but since you took them away, they could care less about having her in their life and she doesn't ask about them anymore.

Your brother-in-law continues to tell me that you love me in your own way, but I don't see it... I woke up crying from that party dream that I had and he tried to reassure me that you wouldn't ever not invite me to something important in your life. I turned to the side... and knew deep inside, that you have already done that to me too many times - excluding me from your life is the biggest part that is being done right now.

So with this note, that you will never see, I bid you good-bye, little brother.

I know that you will always be in my heart but never in my life... not the way that I expected you to be.

I love you with all that I am and forever will.