End of the month - thank you!

Okay... so this is the last day of February and I can say, a lot of wonderful things have happened this month.

Spending quality time with my two loves.

Spending some great nights with friends, wine and sushi!

And signing up for not just one but THREE races this month!!!! Awesome!!!

We are all set for a race in March, another in April and in May!!! OMG!! I am so excited!!!!
We have been able to afford to sign up for some of these races before the prices went up and I even got a Groupon for another one.
This month couldn't have ended on a more positive note.

I started taking my herbal supplements again and hitting the gym pretty hard with Liz.
I don't feel AS stressed out as I did a couple of weeks ago... but I know that I am more obvious of it now and I don't want to stress about the stress. I know that with time, things will get better - and they are getting there.

I have noticed that my stamina for running longer on the treadmill is getting longer... hopefully that will transfer onto outside running.
And I am getting so bores with running on the treadmill!!!! I need this nasty cold and snow weather to go away!
Hopefully in the next week I can head outside for a run.

Okay... so I get a text from the daughter of one of my older cousins... Chloe... and she starts asking me about the 5k's that I'm running.
She then tells me that she wants to start running too and if I don't mind if she runs with me... hell no I don't!!!! The more the merrier! !

I gave her some runs that the hubby and I are already signed up for and told her to get some good running shoes and the app for her phone that will help her train for the races.
Hopefully she will be able to run with us... that would be so cool!!
And it can probably get my running group off the ground.
The group I'm in now - who are a great bunch of women - aren't really getting together. I am grateful for being in the group and meeting my wonderful working out/training partner Liz... but I need to be able to count on the group a little more.
I have poured myself into the group, even sponsoring a member for a run but when I asked for help to be sponsored,  no one stepped up to help me out. So unfair.
But that's okay... I'm doing it on my own financially and with the support of my hubby (and those friends that will be there also) I know that I will get far with this!

There are a lot of things that are falling into place... and I've never been happier! Except the day of my wedding and the day that I gave birth... both types of happiness are different than what I am feeling now.

I can see the goals that I have set up for myself for this new year becoming reality! Things are clearer now... the fog that once was blinding me from the sun  is being lifted and I can finally see the light that is shining down on me.

I am not allowing people or things to stand in my way of happiness! Not anymore!
I do what I can to survive and get things done for myself - and for my loves.
It might not sit well with others but that's not my problem, not anymore at least.

Other people have been able to turn their backs and not look at the mess that they have made... I might not be that type of person but I am looking out for me now.

I am not writing this blog in any hurtful or upset manner.... please don't take it that way. Just know that I am growing and I need to do what is right for me, both physically and mentally.
And if you don't like it... not my fault.

I have goals and dreams that I have set up for myself and I will achieve them!

So with this most uplifting, positive month coming to a close... I bid adu to February and welcome in March with my arms wide open!
Marching into the month of March like a lion!
And I know that April will see a different ME all together!

Hasta la proxima!

Cheaper than therapy!

I've come to realize something this morning...

I need to continue my running training... this is the only thing that is going to bring down my stress level. The only thing that is going to save me from having to go into therapy and maybe making myself even crazier.

I don't understand why I make it so hard for myself... the hubby is always trying to help me out and explain to me how beneficial working out is. 
I can't keep complaining about how I am feeling about my body if I don't do something about it. 
I have to be more in-tune with my work out and make it more of a priority, like I used to make it back in the day.

I don't understand why I have problems getting to the gym!?!!?
I love being there once I am there... and I feel great afterwards... but the problem is leaving the princess' side once I am home.

I know in the long run, this will be the best thing for the both of us because I will be able to keep up with my little girl and I should be in the best shape of my life.

And because of this working out, I should be able to run these races so much better. Run a little longer... be more proud of myself.

The stress level should go down... and things should be start feeling better in my head.

I am so sorry... to my husband... for not listening to him earlier. I apologize for not paying closer attention to the information that you so greatly researched for me and shared.

I make this promise to both you and the princess that I will continue to make changes in my life that will allow me to reach my fitness goals and decrease my stress levels.

I must do this... this is the only way that I will see the positive results that I have been wanting in my life.

No more excuses... as I told my gym partner Liz this morning. Excuses get you no where, and no where isn't where I want to be in my life.

And staring at myself in the mirror and complaining about how terrible I feel or how terrible I look isn't getting me closer to my goals either.

Positive talk is what I also need to work on. I'm working really hard on changing the person that I am, and negative self-talk isn't the way that a person that wants to make changes in her life should be acting.


Onto a more positive note...

I had an amazing weekend... I was able to relax and spend quality time with both the princess and the hubby.

Sunday was great!
We had breakfast at home, made by the hubby and then we headed out to enjoy the nice weather.

We got some things from Sports Authority for the princess and headed to the park...

Let's go SLEDDING!!!!

So we got her a new sled and a helmet... which she loves!... and she had a fabulous time going down the hill at the park for the first time all by herself!
Of course daddy was at the bottom of the hill waiting for her to come down... and OMG, she went up and down that hill like a champ!

I'm ready!

It was a very special bonding time for the three of us... and I can't wait until we take her another time for some more fun in the snow.

And now I am here at work... Monday. 
Why do Monday's have such a bad feeling?
I can't wait until this day is over... and I am in the gym, running on the treadmill and taking out of this stress that is starting to creep up on me.
I don't want to carry around this stress with me all week... so headed to the gym every day this week. :-)

Wishing everyone a wonderful evening!
Hasta la proxima!

Happy Saturday!

Ahhhh.... what a wonderful and relaxing day!
I've been at home all day today and I've loved it. I have been able to get so much done.
Three loads of laundry, organized the princesses toys and about to start cooking dinner!
This is the life!!

The princess was able to play in the snow last night after she and the hubby picked me up at the train station.
She loves being out in the cold and snow... she is totally her father's daughter!  LOL!! The hubby loves being outside in the winter.

So I have to say that I haven't been feeling stressed today, which I am so grateful for.

I guess the dinner last night really lifted my spirits.  And the bottles of wine and champagne didn't hurt either. LOL!!!
We had great food and even better conversation.

I really needed that night out with some friends... and hopefully I will continue to feel less stressful.
I started taking the all-natural pills last night and have continued to do so today.

I will start taking my birth control pills tonight... and for the next three weeks. Hopefully this will also help out with the stress that I've been dealing with too... hopefully.

Tomorrow will be a day for me... headed to the jewelry show and see what cute costume jewelry is out there. I love it!!

Well... going to end it here. Going to start cooking dinner... and it should be good!

Hasta la proxima!

Saturday - fun day with mommy

Friday night YUMMINESS

Friday afternoon... playing in the snow

Getting this off my chest

Reading other people's blogs sometimes makes me sad...
I want to help... but you can't help when other's don't want to see the toxic relationships that they are putting themselves through. 
Yes... things might be different but they will also remain the same because some people just don't care about other people's feelings and they are only out for themselves.
Sometimes you must put yourself first in order to find true happiness with the problems that are coming your way... that way you are even more powerful than you ever believed possible.

No matter what the situation may be, yes... it is possible to fall out of love with someone that at one time made you happy. This happens only when you realize how valuable your life is. 
This person that treats you like crap, makes you feel worthless, etc, does NOT love you anymore... if they did, they wouldn't put you through all this misery. 

True, unconditional love doesn't make you feel worthless... true, unconditional love doesn't hurt you... true, unconditional love doesn't belittle you.. true, unconditional love doesn't abuse you in any way shape or form.

True, unconditional love is just that... it's true... it's unconditional... it's all the warm and fuzziest feelings... it's safe... it's growing... and everything!

I pray that those in toxic relationships finally see their own worth... that they are better than the situations that they are putting themselves through. No matter how hard it may be to walk away, how scared you may feel to be alone, how alone you may feel because you feel that you will never find someone to love you... you are not alone.
There is help... a friend that knows the situation and is willing to help. A church group that wants you to come in with your story so they can embrace you and tell you that they can help you find your way. An organization that helps battered men/women in these types of situations.
But know that you are not alone in this... God is always on your side and HE wants to see you happy. HE wants you to proud of yourself. HE wants you to come out of the shadow of darkness that is currently surrounding you and come into the bright light that is real love.

That is all... Not trying to be preachy or anything but it's just that I don't believe that anyone has to be unhappy with the situations that they are put in. Everyone has the right to be happy and walk away from the situations that make them unhappy or unsafe. No matter what the situation is or what the effects of the situation, no one has the RIGHT to try you like crap.
If you continue to give them that right, then they will continue to treat you the unconventional way... like you don't matter.

And when you surround yourself with people that don't value you, that is when you feel the loneliest! 
Lift yourself up, dust yourself off... and put a smile on your face. Things will get better if you believe that it will and if you strive for relationships that are worth it.


But onto more positive or semi-positive news...

I had my appointment with the fertility doctor yesterday and I heard back from the fertility clinic...

They are putting me on birth control to bring down my FSH level... it's through the roof right now. I can't take the hormone because it won't help me with my level so high.

So I'll be taking the pill for the next month and hopefully sometime in the next month or so, I can start taking the hormone shot that the doctor wants me to start taking.

UGH... I am so stressed out.

I need to calm down... if I don't, something is going to knock me down and I don't know if I will be able to get back up.

And don't get me wrong, I have the best support group of friends that a girl can ever ask for... but things are starting to get to me. 

It doesn't help either that my hormone levels are all over the place... I need to get them in control.

I have some natural pills at home that I had been taking to get my hormone levels in check, but for some reason I stopped taking them. I guess I have to be more in tune in taking them again on a regular basis.

I have to just take things one day at a time... 

And believe me... I am grateful for things that I do have in my life and the wonderful husband and princess that God has given to me.

And trying to bring down my stress level is what I am going to do for myself... only I can do this for myself. No one else can do this for me.

I know that there are factors in my life that I have to change in order to bring that stress level down... and I have pin-pointed those factors... and I pray that with the strength of God that I am able to do this.

I have to do this for myself...

I need my sanity back...

I need to be good to myself...

And I hope that this weekend, things can start destressing myself...

Let's hope with the dinner with friends that I have tonight - more sushi! - I am able to take things one day at a time and learn again what it is to have LESS stress in my life.

Wishing everyone a fabulous Friday afternoon/evening... and hasta la proxima!

Let's get this!

I'm back... both to writing and hitting the gym.
I was at the gym last night with my partner-in-crime, Liz, and boy was our run training a good one.

We hit those treadmills pretty hard... running at 5 miles an hour when the app appointed me to run from my walking position. I couldn't believe that I was running that quickly.

Our post-workout picture! :-)

We are on a mission... we are training very hard to be able to run this races within good time. To be stronger women, in both mind and body. To be better women, stronger women... and this will be our year to achieve the goals that we have set forth for ourselves. No more joking around... things must be done for our own health and well-being.

This weekend was great!
And it made up for the days that were terrible for me last week.

Friday night...
We had our couple's sushi dinner at the House of Sushi and Noodles...

Yum! - 3rd round

Yum! - 1st round

Yum! - 2nd round

We ordered three rounds of sushi rolls... and OMG, it was great! We had 12 rolls the first round, 9 rolls the second round and 3 rolls the final/third round. And all the rolls were super good! And the company of Griz, Jay, Karla and Angel, along with the hubby was great!

Afterwards, we decided to go to a night club not far from Grand and Harlem but unfortunately, the hubby and I weren't able to get in because of the shoes he was wearing. So we stopped at Walgreen's, got some beer and headed home to drink the beer and watch a movie.

Saturday, after going to the nephew's school to watch the older one's last basketball game of the season, which they lost by one point - but it was a great game nonetheless. 

After leaving there, we headed to Enchanted Castle to celebrate Grissell's youngest son's birthday. And boy did the princess have a great time!

Alliana, the princess and birthday boy, Anthony

After leaving Enchanted Castle, I had to pick up a few things at Target and then I headed home with the princess. So we got home to the hubby... and hung out at home.

On Sunday...
Hung out at home for a little while and then we headed out to get some breakfast at Denny's with the hubby and princess.
Afterwards we ran some errands and then headed over to Grissell's house so we can all sing happy birthday to Anthony and his grandfather, Junior.
Thankfully since I didn't have to work on Monday, we stayed pretty late there and had a wonderful time.

On Monday...
Thank goodness I was off because I was exhausted!
Cleaned the fridge, did laundry and cleaned up a bit... and I was ready to go to bed.
The hubby got home and we talked and I was able to get to bed at a decent hour... I think before 11pm. LOL!!

Tuesday...
On this morning, I had an appointment at the fertility clinic to get some blood work done. So after doing that, the hubby was so wonderful in driving me into work.
After being gone from work for a long weekend, it was a long day of catching up to the emails from people who worked on Monday and a two-hour meeting that I was taking notes in.
Thankfully I was able to get to the gym... I surely needed it.

Wednesday...
A long day at work but thankfully done...
Going to pick up the princess, spend some time with her before heading to the gym again tonight.

Tomorrow I don't work but I do have an appointment again at the fertility clinic but this time with the doctor - who I haven't seen in ages!
This is going to be an appointment to go over the next steps for me... injections of the hormone to help me along. I am feeling nervous but positive about this appointment.
I am going at this appointment alone - the hubby is unable to come with me - but I will be strong and see what she has to share with me.

Hopefully I will be able to get on tomorrow and give you an update with what happens.
So much going on... so much going on.

Hasta la proxima!

Happy Valentine's Day

It's been a while... how are you doing?
Me? I could be doing better... but I shouldn't complain too much.
I've been awake since 3am...
I wore the most uncomfortable shoes to work and got two blisters on my pinky's - but at least the left one isn't as bad as the right one.
I left my phone at home...
I left my baby girl crying as I left the house this morning because she didn't want me to leave...
I had to buy breakfast this morning - so that meant even more walking on the feet that I don't want to be on today because of the pain of the blisters..
Oh... on top of the pain that these blisters are causing me, I am headed to the gym tonight! That should be a blast! UGH!

But other than that - Happy Valentine's Day! :-)

So what's been going on with me since last week?
Well, last Friday we stayed at home and just hung out.

Saturday, the honey went to work and I ran some errands before meeting up with him at work so that we can head out to the Chicago Auto Show at McCormick Place. 

Here is the princess on the train - on our way to see daddy!

The princess LOVED riding on the train to see daddy... she just sat on the seat and talked her little heart out about daddy and wanting to get off at every stop when the train opened it's door! LOL! It was priceless!

Then it was time to head over to the show with the hubby... and boy did we have a great time! We even closed out the show that ended at 10pm! LOL! I loved every moment that I spent with my two loves.
I even got the chance to donate some blood to the American Red Cross... it had been a WHILE since I have been able to do that! The last time I donated with them was back in 2009! YIKES! I couldn't believe it! But it felt great doing it finally.

The hubby was the one that took the majority of the pictures from his camera... so I don't have any pictures that I can share. Sorry! LOL!

Sunday was just a FUN day for everyone!
The hubby had the Monster Truck Show to go with the nephews and I had a birthday party to take the princess to... but my morning made it impossible to enjoy anything.
Chills, feeling warm, couldn't eat, body hurt... it was just a terrible morning and I still don't know what the heck happened to me. But thankfully I was able to get over all of it and take the princess to the birthday party. And what a great time she had with all her cousins.
The hubby showed up with the nephews and it was nice surprise to see them there with everyone... it had been quite some time since all of them were all together.

Monday...
Okay... so my morning started off TERRIBLE! What's going on with this? Mornings for me = terrible! UGH!
So I woke up at 5:30am because I had an appointment with the fertility clinic for an ultrasound at 6:45am... I leave the house and get there just in time for my appointment but the front desk is looking at me all crazy as I sign in. 
They ask me if I have an appointment and I tell them yes... at 6:45.
They tell me that the appointment was canceled on Friday and that I should have received a call.
I tell them, yes, I received a call on Friday but the message did not say anything about the appointment being canceled. 
So... we wait until the nurse comes to see what is going on.
The nurse comes in a little bit after that she and she looks at me like what are you doing here... and she says to me, did you get my message? And I told her that I got her message but her message said nothing about canceling the appointment.
I get in the car and headed back home... and back into bed. No one in the house even noticed that I left and came back into the house. Thankfully I took the day off and I spent the rest of the day at home with the princess.

Tuesday... 
Another wonderful day at home with the princess!
She had a doctor's appointment to basically ease my mind about any early developing that she might have since I carry the gene for her to start developing early because of my perimenopause.
Thankfully the doctor didn't blow away my concerns and said that she looks fine for now and we can revisit this in about 3 months. PHEEEWWW!!
Then it was back home to just spend time with the princess and wait for the hubby to get home.

Wednesday...
Finally back at work... and boy was it a crazy day full of meeting requests and emails.
But thankfully the work day ended and I was able to get my ashes at church for Ash Wednesday, pick up the monkey and even get in some time at the gym.

The princess even asked me if she can get some ice cream when we got home...

Posing for the camera!
Let's get some ice cream, please, mommy!

And now Thursday...
As I mentioned before... the morning didn't start off the way that I wanted it to.
And then I get a call from the hubby that he is on his way back to his mom's house to pick up the princess cause she isn't acting right. All she wants to do right now is sleep and that is so not like her.
I feel so helpless right now not knowing what is wrong with my little girl... but I am so grateful for a husband that will be there for his little girl. 
Hopefully I can get out of work early today and go straight to both of them... because that is where I should be.

I know that she wasn't feeling all that well last night but by the time she went to bed, she looked okay and she looked okay to me again this morning. :-(
I am going to be calling the doctors office to see if I can get her a walk-in appointment... hopefully I can get her in and they can see if there is something going on with her.

It's okay to feel overwhelmed

1. A sick daughter who is thankfully better
2. A sick husband
3. I was getting sick but thankfully finally over it
4. Work is getting crazy
5. Trying to keep the house clean is starting to get harder
6. Sleep comes and goes 
7. At times I am beyond happy
8. At times I am beyond upset, sad

I guess I am doing it one day but sometimes I feel that one day just jumbles into the next and sometimes I don't recognize one day from the next, at times.

I feel that I am in a museum and I am standing behind the glass and I can't get through the other side in order to get things in order for myself.

I look at myself in the mirror and I don't like what is staring back at me.

I want the mental capacity to deal with all the overwhelming things that have been going on in my head.

I went to the appointment yesterday morning - and I had to look at my calendar to refresh my memory to see if in fact it was yesterday - and the results from that appointment wasn't what I wanted to hear. The medication didn't do what it was supposed to do, per the ultrasound, and I have two more appointments (on Friday and Monday at 6:45am) for more ultrasounds and more medication on Monday morning.

So we shall see what the ultrasound says tomorrow morning and again on Monday morning... hopefully with those two tests, I will have some great information given to me and maybe things will start to turn around for me, the way that I've been feeling lately at least.

On another quick subject...

Almost a week without eating any bread, pasta or rice! YIPPEE!!

And almost 3 weeks without drinking any pop! 

On a roll!

I am so proud of myself in that I have actually kept this up... I thought for sure that I was going to freak out about not having any bread, pasta or rice for a while but I've done pretty good.

Experimenting with different foods, opening up my mind into trying different things - change, it's a fabulous thing!

Hubby is at home again today... I sure hope that he is feeling better. It's been hard to watch him not feeling well; same thing with the princess, I hate seeing my loved ones sick!

Have I mentioned that I have been looking at my wardrobe with a different set of eyes... I've been trying to dress better so that I could feel better.

Hopefully tomorrow's outfit will help me with the news that might get tomorrow morning and set the tone for the rest of the weekend.

Tomorrow is my sister-in-law's 31st birthday and my brother sent out a text for a get-together for her.

Saturday might be running a couple of errands.

Sunday... the hubby and nephews have a monster truck show that they will be headed to and I will be taking the little princess to my girlfriends' house for her daughter's birthday.

Monday, I will be off but I have my appointment EARLY in the morning and then I will be coming back home to get some rest.

Tuesday, again I am off so I might just stay at home and see what I can get done at home.

Well, I don't have much more to say right now...

Hopefully the entry tomorrow will be a little better and of course upbeat.

It will be a short one...

Last night... nice... got home, got the princess from my parents and headed downstairs to my sick hubby.

And thankfully he was feeling a little better and he made us a fantastic dinner of garlic-butter chicken and polenta. OMG... it was so yummy!!  I was so happy that I had leftovers for lunch today.

But my morning didn't start off so great... 

It all started last night with the princess.
She woke up screaming and basically did not get a good nights sleep... and neither did I.
I don't know if I mentioned that I had a sore throat yesterday and that continued into the night... and because of the sore throat, I woke up this morning with no voice.

So after spending the majority of my morning at work without a voice, I finally got it back around noon... but a lot of people still think that I don't have it back yet. LOL!! That's okay; I will hopefully get some rest tonight.

I have a big day tomorrow... my follow-up appointment with the fertility doctor's office to see where I am after taking the Clomid (Clomifene (INN) or clomiphene (USAN) (trademarked as Clomid and Omifin) is a selective estrogen receptor modulator (SERM) that increases production of gonadotropins by inhibitingnegative feedback on the hypothalamus. This synthetic drug comes supplied as white, round tablets in 50 mg strength only. It has become the most widely prescribed of all fertility drugs. It is used in the form of its citrate to induce ovulation. It is used mainly in female infertility, in turn mainly as ovulation induction to reverse oligoovulation or anovulation such as in infertility in polycystic ovary syndrome, as well as being used for ovarian hyperstimulation, such as part of an in vitro fertilization procedure.), there will be an ultrasound done on me and I might be able to get the second part of my medication (an injection) that will help along the process of getting pregnant.

So I am praying that things continue on the right path... I have been receiving nothing but great news this week (and it's only Tuesday!) and I want to continue on the path of great news.

And like my title said, this was going to be a short entry... I just needed to get some stuff off my mind.

So... hasta la proxima!

Hard work pays off...

And my BUTT will tell you that hard work pays off.. and of course SQUATS are the reason that my butt will tell you that it pays off.
I have never seen my butt so toned before! I am loving it! It's amazing to see that all my hard work doing 100 squats (or more) daily has really had an effect on my butt. LOVING IT!!! I can't wait to see what my butt will look like by the end of the year.
And doing this squat challenge has really made me see myself in another light... I might be able to start loving my body finally.

So in spite of all that might go wrong or how I might feel, there just might be a light that I can see that will allow me to finally be happy with myself - SOMEDAY.


But enough that... onto another subject.

This weekend was wonderful... spending it with my two loves.

Friday... went to the gym with the hubby and Liz.

Saturday... was at home all day with the two loves. We were going to go to the gym, which we did head out the door to the gym, but we ended up going to Mariano's to do some much needed grocery shopping, and never made it to the gym. But we did come back home to spend some nice time with the princess and watch a movie.

Sunday... all day at home with the princess and hubby. 
The princess has a cold and I am trying to get rid of it and on top of that, trying to teach her how to use the potty instead of going in her diaper. Hopefully she will finally get the notion that it would be better for her to on the toilet and it would so much cheaper for us too! LOL!
Come on princess!!! I know that you can do it... I believe in you!! :-)

And here we are on Monday...
The hubby is at home sick... not sure if he is getting another cold or if the headache that he has is actually a migraine, something that he's never experienced before. What I am hoping for is that he is feeling better since he's at home.
So I am looking forward to getting home, checking in on the hubby, grabbing the princess from my parents and head back downstairs to tend to my two loves. Hopefully I don't get sick!

Hasta la proxima!

Welcome to a new month!

I hope that this month is as good to me as January was - 2013 has been great to me so far.


On another topic...

I have been experimenting with my eye make-up lately, trying to get that whole eye shadow thing down pact. So far I've been doing okay with it... getting the three colors to match, then sort of "blending" them and even adding a little color here and there (It looks like I'll need to get more colors!) but in the end, I am not sure if I am doing it right.

Am I doing it right?!

I look in the mirror over and over again but I am still not sure. UGH! Sometimes being a girl sucks!

And here is my BIGGEST problem IS the mirror! When I look in one mirror, I think that I look good... but when I try to look into another mirror, I don't like what I see. Actually not only do I not like what I see, I HATE what I see! UGH!
I feel like a Monet... from far I look great but when I look closer... it's a total mess!

I am trying so hard to change myself... my clothes, my hairstyle, my make-up, my attitude, my body - but I feel like nothing is actually working for me.

I don't know what's going on with me right now... I felt semi-great yesterday, especially with getting the news that I can start taking the medication for my fertility problems but I don't know now.
I don't like this feeling... but it's the way that I am feeling and I want it to go away. But I don't know how to make this feeling go away.

Here I am trying to make things better for myself and something inside of me is trying to sabotage me. I stand here wanting to scream instead of wanting to smile - and the smile that you see today is just a mask to cover-up all the pain that I feeling right now.

I sit here wishing that I was at home - alone - under the blankets, screaming my lungs out!
And I wish that I knew why I want to do that!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

I look at my fingers on the keyboard and I don't know what to write anymore...

I want this month to be positive... I want this month to be good for me (and my family).

I guess I have to suck it up and let these negative vibes flow out of my body.

And hopefully I will be able to get rid of these negative thoughts... I really want these thoughts to go away because negativity does not need to live here.