How exciting!!!

The end of the month... Halloween... time to have a good time!

I might have woken up with a bad headache - which thankfully has finally gone away - but that is not going to dampen my mood to take out my little monkey tonight for her to have some fun in her costume. She's been so excited about putting it on, so a little headache/migraine wasn't going to stop me from getting her all dressed up. I even googled how to put her makeup together for tonight! OMG... I am so excited!


Last night's workout really pushed me... I thought that I wasn't going to be able to finish it but I continued to push through and did it. The workout might be 20 minutes, but those are some INTENSE 20 minutes of working out that I have ever done. 

Can you tell that I'll tired?! LOL!!

Someone even mentioned that I should try that P90X workout (website) if I really want an intense workout... but that's one scary workout. Maybe I'll try it; I've seen the infomercials for the P90X workouts and I have seen some of the workouts, crazy! But I have also seen the results of the people that have completed the workouts. The transformations of these people are just amazing! 
But that program is EXPENSIVE! They have three levels that you can purchase from and the most expensive one has you paying over $300 for it! OMG! Craziness! But hey, you never know... if I can save the money and get the program, at least I know that I will see results in 90 days, which is wonderful!


On another subject, I was talking to the hubby the other night on how I wish that my hair was longer already. I really miss my hair when it was longer - I am so upset still on the way that this stylist cut my hair so short. 
He told me the other night that my hair is getting longer... but it's just not "sunroof" ready yet! LOL! He loves it when he opens up the sunroof in his car and my hair flies right out of it. He gets such a kick out it! LOL! That's okay... I don't mind when it comes out of the roof - it makes him laugh and his laugh makes it all worth it! ;-)
I can't wait until it's long again!

Boy, it's been a long week and it's only Wednesday! I am so looking forward to the upcoming weekend. Even though I don't have anything planned, just having time at home with my loves is a good thing.

Just 2 days left...

Tomorrow is Halloween and hopefully the weather will cooperate and I will be able to get the princess dressed up and take her around the neighborhood.

Boy... I can't believe that in just 48 hours we will be in the month of November.

So many things going on in the month of November... I can't wait until Thanksgiving. 
I have to look for the turkey and start thinking about what I am going to make as sides for it. HMMM... I have my Weight Watchers magazine at home, and they have a ton of recipes that I can go thru for it. And I also have my Hungry Girl (HungryGirl Website) cookbooks and website to check out too for great ideas. Just because I am watching what I am eating doesn't mean that I can't enjoy what I am eating too, right?

So last night's workout was great! I can't wait to workout tonight. I should be entering Level 2 very soon. And taking pictures of myself after I workout is great... gives me the opportunity to see how much I have changed. 

Post-Workout Me

And I am sure that people are wondering why I would post a terrible picture of myself on a social media or even in a blog - well, it isn't for them, it's more of a reminder for myself that my journey might be long but I will make it to the end of this journey. And documenting how I feel and even how I look aides me in this journey. Tell me where I went wrong or where I went right... remind me that yes, I might have a good/bad day but the end result is what I am achieving and striving for - not the here and now.

Yes... as each day passes, I increase my stamina and I increase my desires but what is more important to me is how I feel after. I might feel tired, I might want to turn off the DVD and just sit on the floor to catch my breath, but I don't. I continue on and know that I have a wonderful journey ahead of me to fulfil and the benefits of that journey is what I am looking forward to.


It's been a crazy day and I totally forgot that I had even started this entry. LOL!
I was just having some pineapple and I burned my tongue and roof of my mouth with the juices; I guess I had too much of it. LOL!

That's all for me.. Thursday should be nice with the posting of Halloween night. I cannot wait!
But first things first... working out tonight and getting through work tomorrow - so that we can get to Halloween night for my little monkey.

Hasta la proxima! :-)

Feeling brighter than ever

Okay... I was hoping that I was going to feel great this morning but of course I was sadly mistaken. :-(
I woke up with a headache - but that shouldn't have been a surprise since I went to bed with one. Other than that, I am feeling great! 

This weekend was great!
We didn't go to any Halloween parties or anything but we hung out with family and had an amazing time. Life can't get any better than this... oh wait, it can! :-) LOL!!! And I am looking forward to it all! 

We ended up going to a food show at the Arlington Heights racetrack on Sunday morning, with the notion that we were going to be sampling different foods and wines to only be disappointed by it. Not only were there hardly any food samplings, there was only place giving out wine samples and any of the ones I asked for, they didn't have! HUH!?  I was so upset by the whole experience. But the one thing that I was happy about was the food trucks that were parked in the parking lot. I thought that with the price of admission, we were going to have access to the food trucks but we were sadly mistaken but even though we had to pay not only the admission to the "show" (thanks to the folks at Groupon for getting it at a discount!) and parking, we had to pay for the great food - but it was totally worth it. And it was my first experience eating from a food truck here in Chicago. I have ate from a food truck in Puerto Rico.

Here is a picture that the wonderful husband took of us... I <3 him so much! And I thank him for all the experiences that we shared this weekend.

My Better Half

So okay... I have to share this!
I had the opportunity to go to a gun range yesterday afternoon with the hubby, my cousin Juan and his lovely wifey, Lisa. AND OMG... I shot a gun for the first time in my life!! It was so exciting to be able to share this experience with the three of them. I have a picture of me shooting the gun - a .22 - but I rather not post that. LOL!

On another topic... the little princess slept in her now converted crib - her new bed. I am so proud of my big girl. I was expecting her to come out of the room and just wake me up in the middle of the night since she wasn't confined to the inside of the crib but she didn't and she didn't fall off her bed either.

Here's a picture of the big girls while watching a movie right before she fell asleep.

The Princess

She had such a cheesy smile on her face when I took it - I had to take advantage of it. LOL! This little girl is always giving me a hard time when it comes to taking a picture. She's just too much at times.

I cannot wait to get home tonight... I am so looking forward to working out. :-) Only 3 more days until I move into Level 2 of the work out. It should be an intense workout moving up to Level 2... YIKES! I'm kind of nervous about it but I am sure that I can keep up. 
Bring it on!

So that's about it on my end... sort of a short entry for today. 
And with Halloween coming up on Wednesday, it should be a good time for the princess. I cannot wait to post pictures of her costume.

I can't believe that the end of the month is just two days away... November will be upon us in just 72 hours! YIKES!!! LOL!

Hey beautiful...

Just here, thinking about my beautiful little girl.

I have pictures at my work station of her in different stages of her life... and I love looking through pictures of her on my phone. Oh my, how she has grown!

I look at these pictures and see how much she has changed.
First of all, she has a TON of hair... something that I was worried about for so long. 
The top right picture is her at 6 months and all she had was fuzz on the top of her head... I was so scared that my little girl was not going to have any hair at all! LOL! Okay, I know, I was pushing it thinking that she wasn't going to have any hair but hey, a little girl with no hair was scary. LOL!

Look at those eyes... OMG... I can just stare at her for hours! 

I am so blessed to have such a beautiful little girl...

And now we are coming upon Halloween... and I am so looking forward to seeing her in her costume.
And I came across the pictures of the last two Halloweens that have passed with her... man, I still can't believe how much she has grown.

And I know... I have this thing with wings. But she looks so darn cute with wings on. AND she loves wearing them, so there! LOL! And why should this year be any different?! Until she has a say-so in her costume, she will be encased in wings.  LOL!!!

I am happy to report she had a daddy/daughter day today and her fabulous daddy took out to eat at IHOP and she cleared her plate! She even ate bacon and liked it!

I am so proud of my little girl... she is getting her appetite back and its back in full force. She actually goes around telling me that she is hungry. And it's the funniest thing since she will be eating and still tells me that she is hungry. I just look at her in amazement because she has the spoon in her hand and telling me that she is hungry. TOO MUCH! LOL!

What else can I say about this little girl without being one of "those moms" that does nothing but talk about their child?! LOL!
Being a first time mom is one of the biggest and great accomplishments in my life. I am so happy that I was able to enjoy my life before she came into it and decided to make it all about her. ;-)
And then having a wonderful partner in my life to share the ups/downs and the responsibilities of raising such an angelic little girl, makes life so much more great.
I enjoy every minute that I have with her and learn so much from her.

And that's a great sway into me... :-)

Even though I was working on only 3 hours of sleep, I sure did get a lot of working out done yesterday.

During lunch, I walked outside for about 35 minutes.
Then at 3:30pm, we had a whole building evacuation that meant that I had the luxury of walking down from the 14th floor to the ground floor and THEN walk over to the Daley Plaza. Thank goodness I had comfortable shoes on.
Then after picking up the monkey from the mother-in-law's house, we went to Target to pick up some last minute things for her Halloween costume. 
THEN... we finally get home and I still worked out!

I was a beast yesterday! LOL!!

And the sweat on my body states the obvious... it was a great workout!!

I am so enjoying these workouts... that I am devising a plan on how I am going to do it before taking Mayalis to swimming tomorrow. I don't know if I want to get to the school all sweaty before the class begins because it makes absolutely no sense for me to take a shower before getting into the pool with her and then taking another one afterwards! LOL!! It will probably be less than 2 hours apart between showers! LOL!!!
So... let's see how I handle things in the morning. 

I am not feeling so sore anymore... hopefully with enough time, I will master these first set of workouts, before I get onto the second set of workouts. And I am sure that I am going to totally fall on my face when I get to the third set. That's the final stretch in her workout, so she is not going to pull any punches.

I can't wait until I get home tonight so that I can take full advantage of the workout tonight... this is GREAT!!!

And I have gotten so much farther in my life than I ever thought possible... THANK YOU GOD! And with you in my corner, along with all my loves, I will continue to move towards all my goals!

The day must end already... :-(

Okay... I wasn't going to post anything today because my mind is so foggy.

I have been awake since around 1:30am and I don't know how I am functioning this morning.

All I want to do is sleep... but I am at work and literally typing with my eyes closed.

I don't understand why I just couldn't stay asleep last night. This not sleeping crap is really getting to me. I don't know if I should contact my doctor about my not staying asleep.

Joel saw me awake last night and said that I have something on my mind that is not allowing me to sleep... but I can't figure out what that might be.

I can't keep living like this... taking cat naps every night. This isn't healthy and I'm sure that I can get really sick if I don't get enough sleep. And not sleeping doesn't help the whole losing weight issue.

That's just the way that I feel when I am in bed... when I am staring up to the ceiling. Watching all the shadows dance around me... hearing the sounds from the street - the cars, the birds (that are still around) and the night owls that are walking around.

This sucks... and this is the end of this entry. 
I have nothing to say since I can't concentrate right now. 
Maybe I'll post later today but I am not promising anything.

70 Posts?!

WOW... I can't believe that I have written over 70 posts on here. That's amazing for me. And with over 250 hits means that a lot of people are looking at my entries. I am so blessed to be able to express myself and have people check me out. LOL!! 

Well, last night was day 2 and I am feeling it more today than I did yesterday but it's like they say...

And boy did it hurt yesterday AND today... but I am loving the pain. It's showing me that I am capable to getting to where I need. Ms Jillian Michaels says that the pain in my abs is fear leaving my body... and I am really loving that. Fear leaving my body... I don't want any more fear inside of me so it leaving in any way possible is fine by me.

So here is last nights picture post workout. I can tell you that I sweat more last night than I did the first night.

But at least I have a smile on my face today. Can you tell that I am shiny? And yes, that is a sweat stain on my shirt. Today's workout will have a whole new glow to me and I cannot wait!

After working out, I decided to make my yummy breakfast egg cups for Joel and I to have for a quick breakfast for the rest of the work week. I sure did fill those little cups full of veggies... zucchini, carrots, tomatoes, garlic, cilantro and green beans. And when I had it this morning, they kept me full because of all that yummy stuff. The "cup" part of turkey bacon was done just right. 
I will have to come up with a recipe of cups that has some different things in it... I don't want to have the same type of cups all the time. When I made it when honey ham, it was pretty yummy too.
Maybe I'll experiment with some turkey sausage in the mixture too... that should give it a nice bite to it.

On another note, Halloween is in a week and Mayalis' costume should be arriving to the house today. I am so excited about it. She is going to look so cute in it. Once she puts it on, I will surely try to take pictures of her so everyone can see her. 

Birthday is in 34 days... and I hope to be able to celebrate it all month. I am making plans with people to go out. So far I have one weekend planned out. But since it is the Monday right after a holiday - Thanksgiving - it's going to be hard to find people to go out with on the weekend right before it. Hopefully I can find something to do that weekend.

I don't have much to write today, like I did yesterday. We had a fire drill at work this afternoon. It had been years since I had been in a high-rise fire drill.. it sure did work my thighs, that are already in pain from last nights workout, to walk down to two floors below us. Tomorrow we have to go from the 14th floor to the ground floor. So I am sure that I will be in a better shape tomorrow. LOL!!

Wishing everyone a wonderful afternoon and evening... I know that I am going to have a great one with my loved ones. :-)

Putting myself out there!

OMG... this girl is amazing... Stella Boonshoft!! She has exposed herself in a way that I would love to do it... show my body to the world (in a very tasteful matter!) to show that curves aren't something that you have to hide.

As many of you might know - or might not know - I have struggled with my weight for such a long time and I wanted to use this blog for not only my thoughts about my fight with getting pregnant, my thoughts about my life in general but also my battle with my weight.

And that's why I have decided to take over the weightloss battle myself. I am completely in charge of what I am doing and what I am eating. No one has any say-so in what I am doing unless it is something positive.

Yesterday I started my workout routine and I decided to go with the the "queen of mean workouts", Ms Jillian Michaels. And after her 20 minute workout, this is was the end result... 

My shirt was drenched, my hair was soaked with sweat and I couldn't really move my legs or arms! She kicked my ass for the first workout but I plan on mastering it and getting to each level within 10 days... so in 30 days, I should hopefully see a change.

I'm praying for the strength to get me through this and get me through these workouts. And since I posted this picture on Facebook - which I am not happy about but I had to put myself out there to hold myself accountable - I have to finish this part of my journey before my birthday. And with my birthday only 33 days away, I have the time to figure this out and get it done! 

I am tired of saying that I am going to take care of this issue and not doing anything about it.... there is no excuse for me not doing it. There is so many opportunities for me to get this done and get it done for good. I have the support that most people crave.


When I get home tonight - which I should have done this morning - I will be weighing myself and posting it here. Hopefully I lost some weight but if I didn't, it's not the end of the world. I will have to work on getting this weight off harder. :-)

I will be 35 years old in 33 days... I need to be in better shape for myself. I hate looking at myself in the mirror. Even getting dressed to come into work is starting to become a chore. I used to love getting dressed up... and I want to feel that way again. I want to look great - not good - in my clothes. I want to look at myself again and be satisfied with the way that I look.
I want the hubby to look at me and say... hubba-hubba! LOL!!
I want my little girl to look at me and know that I am in the greatest shape of my life and I am strong for her.

I sit here and write this and tears are forming in my eyes because I am tired... tired of trying and not giving my all in it. Tired of trying and feeling like I am a failure for not finishing it. Tired of trying and feeling like I am not getting the results that I need to get.

But more importantly... I am tired of starting over... :-(

But...

And that is where I am right now... I am not starting over because I quit Weight Watchers, I am continuing on my own. I am not giving up my dream! I will do this! 
And blogging about it, my struggles... the ups and downs... the battles... the urge to give up... all of it! But I will especially be proud of those breakthrough moments that I know that I will have. Those will be the ones that I will most proud of. The ones that will help me continue on my journey. 

The tears are finally going away and a huge smile is coming across my face... something that I am so happy to see because I really want to do this. 

I see others achieve their dreams, so why can't I? I deserve to have dreams and have at least THIS one come true, don't I?

I see the look on my hubby's face when I give up on myself... the look on my mother's face when I say that I can't do this... and I know that they both believe in me but they don't believe me when I say that I am going to do this because I have said it so many times before.

It's not like I entend to give up on myself or just give up... I just get so frustrated at what is going on with me that I don't know what to do. 
But this time I am not giving up on myself... I want to be BULLETPROOF! Nothing or no one to stand in my way in achieving my goal. 
Stand as stone-hard as I can in order to get where I need to get - so I am finally happy with myself.

Tonight I will heading home to do day 2 with Ms Michaels... because not only did she kick my ass, I ENJOYED IT! My legs are killing me but if you looked at me, you couldn't tell. My arms are stiff and in pain, but again, if you looked at me, I wouldn't tell you.

This is something that I have to remind myself everyday... the circle of my life: 

DON'T GIVE UP

BELIEVE IN YOURSELF

STAY POSITIVE

HOLD ON

Things that you want in your life aren't usually easy... so why would I think that this journey was going to be an easy one? I don't know... I guess I'm looking for an easy way out but there is no easy way for this. I guess it was easy to put on the weight because I didn't care about myself... but I care now and getting it off is going to be one of the best things to ever happen to me! 

Feeling great! Everything is groovy...

Amazing!! I am loving the way that I am feeling lately. Again I mention that things are becoming so much more clearer to me... I am seeing things for what they really are. And because of that, my eyes are so much more wider and I am able to accept things for what they really are.

I have changed my train of thought about a lot of different things.

I am thank all the powers that be, for this beautiful morning that I see. For it does not matter if there is sun or rain but the blessings in my heart and soul remain.

I try to be happy so that when others look at me, they are also happy not only for me but for themselves. But I guess being happy and striving for greatness from within just doesn't sit well with others. They want to destroy the inner peace that I am trying to create for myself.

Sometimes you need to be alone in order to reflect on life... something that I have been doing lately. You have to take time out and take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else. 
I know that I deserve that time alone to reflect and take care of myself... but that doesn't mean that I am shunning people nor does that mean that I am looking to distance myself.

And that is how I am living now... less concerned about the approval of others. I am living the life that I know that I should be living. 

I've been screwed over by so many that I am finally standing up to it and confronting it in my own way - by making changes in my life that help me become a more happier person.

And being a happier person is something that I truly strive to be... at no matter what the cost. That is the biggest goal in my life! Happiness... where have you been all my life? LOL!! Thank you so much for knocking back on my door and allowing me to have this chance.

Ahhh... thank goodness for words because if we didn't have that, we wouldn't be able to express ourselves. And expressing what we feel is the best. :-)


Weekend was nice... hung out and relaxed - not in that order but it was still a wonderful weekend. LOL! 

OMG... I can't believe that I've come to a blank in order to finish today's entry. WOW!!! The first time that this has happened to me! Unbelievable! LOL!!!
That's okay... I can't push thoughts out that aren't ready to come out. But I am excited about Halloween and the nena's costume. She is going to look so cute... but then again, when doesn't she look cute? LOL!! #proudmommy

Well, I guess I will leave it here since I am burned out on what to write. #completeblank Hopefully tomorrow I can write about something exciting! LOL!!

Am I being blinded...

Or is it that I'm just shining so much brighter now?

Am I seeing things that much clearer now?  

Are people finally stepping out of the darkness and into the right type of light that should be shining on them... and I don't mean the nice type.

As days go by, I continuously see things and people in general for who they really are.
Some are showing me that things can be brushed away and things start anew.

Others are just plain rude and don't care.

But that's okay... those that are starting anew and those that are new are the ones that give me hope of a brighter life... a realistic future.

As some can just step aside, so can I.

I thank you for showing your true colors as I have been able to make mine a little brighter each and every day.

I believe that people should grow with those that they surround themselves with... don't leave people behind is my motto. 

But if think that for one second that I'm going to bring you along for my ride when you've deliberately left me out of yours... then you are sadly mistaken.

Simply raining...

And the actual rain coming down doesn't make things easier.

I've been battling a migraine since yesterday and this change of the pressure in the air doesn't make it any easier to take care of it. After having migraines for over 15 years, you would think that it would be easier to take care of but since the trigger of these things are different from day to day, I can never pin point it. 

I'm totally over these things... hopefully the coffee that I'll get will help the situation at least a little. And while I take preventative medication for these darn things, it's still kicking my butt!!

This morning, while getting Mayalis ready, I looked into her sweet sleeping face and it just brought a smile to my face. Then she opened her beautiful big eyes and said "morning mommy" and I just about melted right on the spot! Her sweet sounding voice just makes everything bad/wrong seem like a lifetime away.
Those words come to me at the most needed moments of the day... and it will be always imprinted into my subconscious. 

Something was said to me by someone that reads my daily blogs... they called my blogs inspiring. HUH?!?! Don't get me wrong, I loved hearing that my daily blogs are inspiring to them but what they couldn't tell me why they felt that my blogs are inspiring? It was sort of confusing to hear that it is inspiring without hearing why.
If my blogs are inspiring, I am happy that they are for you and I welcome any comments on what I write so that I can understand why it is so inspiring for you. :-)

An update on the little princess... she's been eating a little more and more each day. But here's the thing, I am not sure if it's because of a medication that the doctor gave her for her cold (a side effect of wanting to eat more) or if it's actually her getting her appetite back. Hopefully it's the latter and she will get back to normal. The funny thing is that she will tell me that she's hungry and when I go to feed her something, she doesn't want it. UGH! That little girl is something else.

Here is a little something that came to mind today...

Man, you wouldn't believe, the most amazing things that can come from some terrible nights.
Some nights, I wish that all this crap would end, 'cause I could use some friends for a change.
I try so hard sometimes, twice as hard at times, and I'm half liked - but then they come around again to break me down.

Oh Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for. Most nights, I don't know anymore.
I stay up at night, cashing in my bad luck, hoping that things will turn around in the morning light.

All I want to do is celebrate... and that's all want my life to be, a celebration.
But people around me want to see me in the same situation as them... rifling on the floor unsure of themselves. But I have to move away from that... move away from the negativity. It's not good for me. They can't handle my happiness and that is why bringing me down is something that seems right to them.

Headaches is all that I have at night... thinking about what used to be of the friendship that we used to have. Being blown off one, twice, three times is all that I can take... I've continue to have a crappy day. 

You continue to criticize me but all your bullets will ricochet off me... you might knock me down but I still get up; You continue to cut me with your ignorance, try to cut me down but with you, I have nothing left to lose so fire away. 
But make sure that you have a good stance to take your aim and fire, 'cause I will continue to stand against your bullets. I will stand stone-hard, nothing penetrating my glass!

Ahh... that feels so much better. Something that was just bugging me inside and I had to get out. Something that was just eating me up inside and I needed to free myself of those thoughts.
Sometimes I feel like if I don't get these words out of me, I am going to just implode... and everyone around me is just going to suffer because of it. Before that happens, I just get it out and feel so much better afterwards.

Well, it's the end of the day and my migraine is finally gone... I guess all that pent up creativeness just wanted to come out and make it's appearance so that I can feel better. And I thank my creative juices for joining me this dreary Friday afternoon so that I can start my weekend off right. 

And hopefully I will continue to keep my creative juices flowing... until I can't create any longer and hopefully that never stops. 'Cause morning or night, it's always a good time - no matter where or when, I will continue to have a good time. Writing in my own way and in my own voice makes me feel so much better.

Good morning... Good afternoon... Good evening... Good night...
Thank you all for reading! 

What should I name this????

Well... it's been a long two days but I've gotten through them and with my head held high.

My appointment on Wednesday went swimmingly great. There isn't much to report on that end. I have to wait until my next monthly period and go from there. The doctor thinks that within three cycles she will have me pregnant but if she doesn't, she will try something else or we will just not go any further. But taking it one day at a time and see where we are headed.

It was a very nice day with Joel... the princess was with my mother-in-law... and we took advantage of getting some other stuff done too, like getting to the dentist since we hadn't been this year yet.

I even took advantage and scheduled Mayalis first dental appointment for this coming Saturday. I'm hoping that she does well with the dentist.

Then after the dentist, my mom and I went to pick up the monkey while Joel headed up the Italian beef meat and we got the fresh bread.

This weekend should be nice... the weather should be heating up a little bit more and no more rain.

Saturday we have swimming for Mayalis - she hasn't been in a while - and then she has her dentist appointment. Then the adults - aka Meli and Joel - have plans to hang out with his cousin and his new wife. It should be a great time. We are headed to Logan Bar and we haven't been there in a while, and they haven't been before.


On a totally different subject... I have been thinking a lot lately about so many different things:
- my weight loss (paying for Weight Watchers)
- the want to be able to run, finally
- the fertility specialist and our wish to get pregnant again
- the wish of getting a house for us
- and so many other things

That's probably why I haven't been able to sleep lately. I've been feeling like a cat with these damn cat naps that I've been taking at night. Twenty minutes here, 30 minutes there and a 60 steal. I think in the last week, I don't think that I've gotten enough sleep. Eventually, I hope that things start to get organized in my head, I'm able to finally get things in order in my "house" and able to get some decent sleep.

I want to be able to get things right... and hopefully things will be in order so that I feel that I've covered my back and all my bases. I don't need to have everything perfect but enough that I am completely happy with my decisions.

Maybe having a night out will help me figure things out for myself and my family. I can't wait for this weekend. It should be a mind clearing night.

Its just that I want to get things done so badly... I feel so despondent about things. Why do I feel like a failure? A lot of these things should have been attainable... but making wrong decisions have now put me in these situations. But fortunately, I will continue to make the right decisions and I will finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Look at me... I'm sparkling!!!

I know... I know... that's a lot to say for a person - that I'm sparkling? I'm certainly not feeling like I am "sparkling", especially since I haven't been sleeping all that well.

But I am... I'm feeling like fireworks are going to burst right out of me. 

I look up to the little bit of sun that is shining outside and feel like it's saying "hi" to me now.

But enough about that... LOL!!

I don't have a lot to write about today... except I am feeling wonderful. I am feeling so sparkly. I don't know why nor do I care to find out why exactly why... I just don't want this feeling to go away, especially going into tomorrow's appointment.
I have high hopes with tomorrow's appointment... I've already received the reminder phone call from Dr Davies office about the appointment.

You know when you were a kid and it was the night before Christmas... well, this is how I am feeling. The night before the light of the morning comes and welcomes us into a brand new day... a day full of hope and uncompromising love. 

I know that I am going to be okay... I have my partner for life that is going to be there with me and I am going to have his support to strengthen me even more. :-)

So hopefully Mayalis - my little princess, the center of our universe - will have a sibling. But if she doesn't, I plan on showing her all these entries - along with others that I have saved - so she understands all that I have gone through, especially the ups and downs, in order for her to have a sibling. And no matter what, she will never want for love because she is loved unconditionally. Everything that her father and I do, we do for her, her well-being and especially for her to get ahead in life.

What we want for her is financial stability in our life so that we can pass it along to her when she is older. And we want her to have a good time in life, just as her father and I have had - both before we met each other and while together.

As the hubby told me yesterday, we have been together for 2,331 days (since yesterday)... and I look forward to seeing those numbers double, triple... ;-)

Well, for someone that didn't have a lot to write, I sure did write a lot... LOL!!

Until tomorrow... with some more exciting news.

Beginning of a brand new week

And a start of new beginnings... and so many wonderful things that can possibly lay ahead.
Life takes so many twists and turns that in a blink of an eye, things can be put into perspective or can be totally thrown into a loop and life lets you figure it out.

I don't know where I want to be this week... it could be a toss up for sure. I want to be in charge of every single thing that happens to me this week but at the same time, sometimes getting things jumbled up gives me an opportunity to make it right for me. And sometimes the latter is great because it allows me to rethink things and put things (or people) in their place but especially allows me to grow as a person, which is something that I enjoy doing very much. 

And that is a question that I have been asked in the past... it's a hard question to answer, but I feel that it is a harder question to even ask. Sometimes you just look at the person who would ask a question like that and wonder why they would even ASK a question like that. But the flip side to that is the way that I can answer that question... my head held higher than before. The strength within even stronger. The look in my eyes burning brighter than I ever thought possible.

And then the words just come out so sweetly and without falter... I don't stumble upon my words when I speak.
I might have tears in my eyes... but they are because I have overcome so much in such a short period of time.
I smile because I know that all the heartache that I have endured is worth the prize that I have.
And because I am not a victim... I am a survivor. 

I know that I have been through a lot in my short life... 
Loved and lost but gained such an awesome partner for life because of all my heartaches.
Been given the opportunity to become a mother... and if my body doesn't allow me to have another, I am blessed to have been pregnant at least once in my life, and even more blessed to have a beautiful and healthy little girl. :-)
Friends have come and gone in my life... and some have even found their way back and I am happy about that. And even new ones have found their place in my heart also.


On another note... I have some good news on Mayalis.
I took her into the doctor on Saturday morning to have her weight checked. Good and bad... she didn't lose any weight (which was good) but on the other hand, she didn't gain any weight either (which was bad). I was hoping that she would have gained something but hopefully she starts gaining something.
And the doctor gave me some medicine for her cold... and he advised me that one of the side effects of the medicine is that it will make her hungry! OMG!! Are you serious?!? I took that prescription and ran to the pharmacy to get it. Her cold has started to clear up, thankfully, and her appetite has slowly been coming back.
She started eating a little more this weekend and I am very happy about that. 

And I received a call from the doctors office and they said that everything is fine with her tests. The cultures came back negative, which is great!
The doctor himself called me and told me to wait a week and see where she is... hopefully she starts getting her appetite back herself.
I'm crossing my fingers and praying even harder.

This Wednesday is my appointment with the fertility doctor. I am getting excited about it... and I am hoping for the best news going into this appointment. Surely Dr Davies can finally help us.
But I am coming to terms with it - if I can't get pregnant on my own - that I am happy with my little family. I am blessed in so many other ways... and even though I would love another child, if my body just doesn't agree with my mind and heart, then it's okay.
Perimenopause might be winning this battle but it hasn't won the war yet... only time will tell who will win this war.

But no matter what, I will rise to the top of this and be great!

It's Friday... how you doin'?

I've already received a call from the doctor bright and early this morning. It was a little after 8am when Dr Goldberg called me to let me know the Mayalis' urine sample that was dropped off yesterday morning looked fine.

But last night's adventure to get the blood culture done for him wasn't as smooth as the call this morning.

After my mother picked me up at the train station after work, we picked up Mayalis and headed straight to the Lincolnwood doctor's office laboratory so that they can do the blood culture. And boy, if I knew what she was going to be in for, I would have been a little more prepared.

Do you remember the little coca-cola glass bottles from back in the day?

Well... can I tell you that the lady taking Mayalis' blood let it drip into a bottle like that! It was the weirdest thing to look at... and the most hurtful because my little girl was screaming - again - that she was better.
But here is the bad part of this situation... they were supposed to do TWO cultures and they only had one bottle to collect the blood in. 
So I ended up BACK at the Old Orchard location again to get the other culture done for my little girl. But this time around, Mayalis did so much better. She cried - not screamed - this time but not as much as she did at Lincolnwood and it was so much quicker at Old Orchard.

Still, at the end of the two procedures, my little girl had bandages on both her arms! :-(
Hopefully we will finally find out what is causing this not eating for her.

I just spoke to Joel and he just told me that Mayalis has been eating with him this morning!! I am so happy!! A whole egg, three bites of a hot dog, 3/4 of a fruit puree package and some chocolate milk! YIPPEE!!!
I am so happy!!!

Hopefully she is finally getting out of this little funk of not eating... and she just needed her daddy to do it. I continue to pray that she continues on this path and by the time we get to the doctor's tomorrow, she would have gained back the little bit of weight that she lost. :-)

I am sometimes in awe of this little girl... she teaches me so much; and to think that she is only 2 1/2 years old, I can only imagine what she will teach me when she is older and in school. But don't let me get ahead of myself... she isn't in school yet. :-)

I am looking forward to getting home to my two loves tonight... spending time with the both of them is what I look forward to every night but especially on Friday nights since Joel is already home when I get home. We talk, we play with Mayalis and have dinner tonight... I love it!!

And home is where my soul is at ease... where no bombs or blows are given... where no sticks and stones are thrown at me. I am at peace at home.

I've come to realize a lot in the last couple of months and I am glad that I have opened my eyes even further to the things that I am surrounded by - and to be able to make the right decisions on what to do in my life. And I am completely happy with the choices that I have had to make.
And little by little, I am going to finally make "this place" my home... <3-) And I am very happy that I am not alone to make these changes in my life.

The date is nice...

Too bad that the events of today aren't as nice... LOL!! It's been a crazy morning but thankfully the work day is half way through. Just need to get through lunch and the end of the day is just around the corner.

Yesterday was a very trying day for my little girl...
I took her to the doctor's office so that I can finally air out my concerns about her eating. And thank goodness her regular doctor has taken me serious and has ordered a series of tests for her. They took two vials of blood from her, which she sit there like a champ when they took her blood, and they have some of her urine. 

When we finally got to the car, after being at the doctor's office for close to 3 hours, she knocked out. My poor little girl... she was so tired of being checked out and tired of crying. She held onto me so tightly every time anyone came into the room to examine her. It was so bad for her that she kept crying out that she was "better" whenever someone came close to her.

I got home and tried to get her to eat something... and she did, a couple pieces of French bread. I was hoping that she would eat more especially since she hadn't had anything at all all morning and it was already after 5pm, so I cooked her one of her favorites, spaghetti, and she didn't even want to open her mouth to try it. 

I tried to give her so many things to try to eat last night... but she wasn't having any of it. Before putting her to bed, I gave her a bowl of strawberries and I am happy to report that she did eat that.

My poor little girl... I surely hope that they can tell me what is wrong with her. I am sure that it has nothing to do with "growing pangs" that everyone is telling me. How can a little girl go all day without eating?! I understand the whole thing about eating less, but this is more than eating less. This is not eating at all if it was up to her.
She's even lost some weight... and is not going to continue losing if it's up to me.

On another note... my appointment to the fertility doctor is next Wednesday. I am honestly say that I am a little more relaxed this time around, compared to the very first time that I went in.
I am praying for the best this time around when we go in... and hoping that we can get pregnant soon.

And on a very positive note, after being on Weight Watchers for 8 weeks (longer this time around), I have lost a total of 10.6 pounds!! I am so happy!! I will be at my 5% goal soon enough! And I thank Weight Watchers each and every day for giving me the tools to get to my goals... and of course the support of my family during this wonderful transformation into the new me!

And believing in myself is the biggest accomplishment I have conquered so far. And I will continuing hitting accomplishments along the way because this is a long journey ahead of me... and I look forward to taking it.


I just received a call from the doctor himself and he said that my princesses' white cell blood count was very high... indicating that she is battling some type of infection but the doctor says that he doesn't want to prescribe anything without knowing what it is that she is fighting.
So we will be heading to the doctor's office in Lincolnwood so that they can draw some more blood this evening.
MY POOR BABY!!! I just want her to get better!
And I am VERY hopeful that the doctor will get to the bottom of this and we will have an answer to what is going on with my little monkey.

And this is the way that I will continue to think for my little girl... I continue to pray for strength to get through this with her and be her rock to lean on during this difficult time right now. I know that she will get through this... 
My little girl is a tough and strong cookie... nothing is going to knock her down!

Autumn has begun...

So I started another entry with the same title as this one last week before so many things changed our lives and I never got to finish.
So now I'm here at my weekly meeting feeling great about the crazy weekend that we had.
So even though my food intake wasn't all that great or didn't have anything at all, I was very pleasantly surprised this evening when I stepped on the scale and I lost another pound off my frame.
OMG... I am so happy about that. I am certainly headed in the right direction with my weight loss journey.
There are so many great things happening to me that I am waiting for something bad to happen... but I am expecting the worse and hoping for the best. Things can turn around in a blink of an eye and I pray for the added strength on my journey to the new land for me.
I look into the big beautiful eyes of my little princess and know that all these sacrifices are so totally worth the hassles and hurdles that I am going through right now.

What a week!

Well, it's been a while... and I didn't mean for that to happen but things have been a little nutty for me and for my family.

First of all, Joel's grandfather passed away last Wednesday... and I had even started an entry that day but things were so crazy that day that I didn't even finish it.

I'm sure that it's somewhere on here and I can finish it but it wouldn't make any sense.

But after battling with dialysis for over 10 years, his grandfather just passed suddenly on Wednesday morning. It was a sad day but we all know that he isn't suffering any longer... which is something that none of us wanted for him anymore.

Thankfully Mayalis met him but it will be something else if she remembers him later in life, hopefully she will remember sharing crackers with her great-grandfather when she was little. 

Me... well, that's a whole other situation. I contracted a virus that became a huge problem for me - and thankfully only me! My hands, feet and face were full of sores. It was painful to walk and because of the sores on my feet, I was unable to join Joel at the burial of his grandfather, which totally hurt me because I wanted to be there for him. I was happy that I was able to go to the wake with him. 
We even went out to eat with some of the cousin's afterwards to Chinatown since we were all starving!
The last time we were all together like that was when we left the wake for his grandmother.
We need to stop getting together for only deaths and start getting to know each other outside of those terrible moments. Hopefully it will happen.

So I had a 5 day weekend and I wasn't able to enjoy it as much as I wanted to but it was a lot of time spent with the princess and hubby... and I loved every minute of it.

The hubby and mom both taking care of me... it was great! Just so bad that I was as bad as I got but thankfully the sores are drying up and going away. Hopefully I won't have any scars on my face.

Tomorrow I will be taking the princess to see her doctor... this little "no-eating" situation with Mayalis is starting to get out of hand. The only real thing she had yesterday was her breakfast of boiled eggs. This cannot continue... I actually think that she has lost weight. Her energy has somewhat decreased a bit and that is not good.
And she hasn't been sleeping very well either; she starts to cry while she's still asleep. And because of it

All this is starting to really scare me... So tomorrow afternoon I will be taking her little jibara butt to the doctors... and hopefully he will check her out. She hasn't had a real physical in a very long time.

Then next Wednesday, the 17th, I have my appointment with the fertility doctor. 

My little monthly friend came again this month... and caught me by surprise very early Sunday morning - like 3:30am! I wasn't expecting it until November, but welcome my little friend (or is it fiend?). LOL!!

On another note, things for me are starting to open up and I am seeing things so differently now... the past week has really shown me a lot of things and I am blessed to have the people I do have in my life and I am happy with the way that things are moving along.

Hopefully before the end of the year things start to become more clearer and start fitting into the places that they should be in; not just for me, but for the sanity of my family. LOL!