A turning point...

The other days post was an eye opener for me... I guess it was something that I needed to dig deep inside about. 

A lot has been going on in my life for the last year alone that I needed to step back and REALLY look at what is bothering me... what exactly is making me tick and what is making my blood boil. 

You see that sunlight in the distance, I ain't stopping until I reach it. I'm going to keep dancing towards it, not stopping until the world ends or the light is diminished. 

I want to be grand... for myself.
I want to be better... for myself.
I want to love myself more... no doubt about it.

And the time to do that is now... 

The weekend is upon us... and in just a few hours, we will all have a different sense of being since we will be freed from the chains of the desk, feel the sun on our face and the breeze flow through our hair.

So with that... I leave it here.
I want to leave this entry on a positive note... knowing that I will have to come back to the same things that I ended this week with - work! LOL!!

Other than that, things are going wonderfully in my life... I am feeling so differently lately and I will take it because with change comes chance and with chance comes change. It all goes hand in hand.

Spiritual Road

 

That is a pretty deep title... even for me. But I know that is something that I have needed to do in my life, I guess, in order to see things clearly. 

I have been holding in so much hurt in my heart... so much pain in my soul... so much resentment in my life... and I need to let it all go.

I don't know why I am holding on to any of this... it doesn't make sense to me. I want to be a happier person and yet I am holding onto so much of these negative things like my life depended on it.

WHY? Is there a real reason that I am holding onto them? 
To answer that truthfully, there isn't a reason to hold onto any of those negative feelings in my life.

I am supported and loved by so many wonderful people... so why I do see myself treating these same people as though they don't mean anything?

I am so blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life but yet I sometimes I don't see it... I can't be THAT blind to things, can I?

Do I have demons that I am not aware of that are filling me with this fear, this resentment, this hurt? He needs to go!

I want to be carefree... I want to be completely happy... and truly mean it.

I don't want to have arguments with people.
I don't want to feel like I have to hide myself because people won't accept me.
I don't want to feel like I don't matter... not only to myself but to others.

Just like my journey in my weight loss, I want to excel in what I put in front of me.

I want my daughter to see me as a role model... not someone that she can't count on. I don't want my daughter to look at others as a role model, nor would I point her to others as a role model. 

I am the one that gave birth to her and I am the one that she should see as a positive and strong person. Not this person or that person... NO! I am that person that will be that person for her.

And I will do that... I will change my attitude.
I will change my frame of mind in order to get rid of the demons that have taken up residence inside of me and making my life a living hell on earth!

I will no longer look blankly at the world and use the "pen" in my hand and the strength inside of me in order to do things that will make my life sunny again... I want to illuminate in the sun!

No longer will anyone speak for me, I will speak my mind but be mindful to the words that I am speaking.
No longer will anyone pull me down just for their amusement, I will stand balanced with the right amount of ammunition in my pocket.
No longer will I live my life with my arms closed, my life will be lived with arms wide open.

I am going to set this world on fire... and whoever is still standing next to me when the flames are extinguished, I will welcome on my journey in my life.

I got through it... YIPPEE!!

I got through the dreadful one year anniversary of that phone call from the OBGYN telling me that I was in the early stages of menopause!! 

And I got to my appointment for the pap smear and the other test that is needed for the fertility specialist. I should get those results by the end of the week and get those to the specialist right after.

The date of September 24th is starting to look a little better than it did last year. :-)

And tonight is my weigh in at Weight Watchers... I am hoping for great results at the scale but still nervous about the way that things just weren't sitting well in my stomach this weekend. Hopefully the scale will be my friend tonight. 

I really want this time around at Weight Watchers to be the last time... I want to get to my goal weight and be done with it. 
I know that getting to goal is going to be a long journey but I am so ready for this journey to be over. 
I want to feel so much better about myself, than the way that I feel right now. 
I want to look so much better than I do now... I want to fit in my clothes better and look good doing it.

This promise I have made to myself... but this time around, I am putting it out there for the world to see. Hold me accountable for the promises that I am making to myself, world. I know that this is something that I only can do, but maybe putting  it on the web, I can't face the discouragement of letting myself down once again. 

I must keep dancing until the world ends... until I finally see that the journey is over and nothing but the up-keeping of myself is left.

Starting tomorrow, there is only 2 months until my 35th birthday... so I have to lose as much as I can until now and then. I want to look like a totally different person by the time my birthday comes around.
Maybe instead of buying myself a nice present for my birthday, I'll do something better... get this weight off for good.

I don't think that I can get to 35 pounds by my birthday, but I am going to get as close as I can to a 25 pound loss in 8 weeks that I can. And hopefully, with the grace of God and my strength, I will make it there.

And only then, will I go out that week to get something nice to wear... maybe go out the weekend after my birthday to someplace real nice. HMMMM... 35 is a big birthday, so I have to make sure that I live it up! 
Only 5 years until I hit the big 4-0... so I want to look fabulous for that birthday, so I have to take care of it now before it's too late. And doing this for myself isn't a bad present at all. 

The dreadful day is here...

Even though the events of this day last year will never leave my mind, I have great hopes that I can change the course of my life one day at a time. 

The appointment that I couldn't make it to on Saturday, thankfully I was able to reschedule for today especially since I will already be there with Mayalis to get her her annual flu shot.

Making steps into the right direction. They might be small, but the steps are the right ones... and they are the ones that I need to take in order to get things in order in my house. 

The good vibes and news towards my goals for my family just keep on coming... and they say that Monday's suck.  I can honestly say that even though today is the dreadful anniversary of the day that I found out that I am perimenopausal, other things have been happening today that are starting to make this day a bit more bearable. 

I will get through this terrible hump in my life... I have the greatest support system in the world, my family.

I can go on and on writing on here... there is so much that I have to do here at work before I am out the door but yet I am so drawn to continue writing on here. I don't know why. 

I just want to express the way that I REALLY feel about certain things... but do I really want to put that out there? I want to continue to make comments about things but to no avail that things will change. 
It's not like things in my reality are going to change... as I seem to catch myself saying...

And that is the way that I see things now... and I try not to take things personally but when it continues and continues, how are you supposed to take it?

But I continue to try to live the life that I need to for myself. And I will continue to dance to the tune in my heart.

Feeling alone... in a room full of people...

Now why you ask? Well, that's just the way that I feel when I'm in a room.

How could that happen with so many people around? How could that happen with so much chattering going on? How could that be with so much happiness in one room?

Easily, I can tell you... when you are rejected.
Easily, when others want the attention all themselves.
Easily when you ignored when others have come back into the picture and now expect that they are the only ones that matter now.

Then again, I guess relationships are being tested. Relationships are wearing thin. Relationships have just run their course.

And it doesn't help that tomorrow will be the one year anniversary of the phone call that changed my life.

I guess the feeling of being alone with this is coming back... no one knows my pain. No one understands my pain. And no one will ever understand why I feel the way that I do.

I thought that my life would be different at this point in my life. I thought that my friendships would have been stronger. I thought that I would have the support that I once had in my life. But I have been noticing the difference that people are staying behind while I want to grow. I want my life to be different but others want things to be the same.

I can't do that... I can't be the same because I am not the same. I am not the same person that I was last year. I'm not even the same person that I was a week ago.

Whatever... I'm done. There is no reason to dwell on what is or what isn't.

I guess you have to roll with the punches... and learn to grow within yourself in order to be completely happy with yourself.

Saturday night...

So okay... last night at The Tiki Terrace was great!!! The food was fabulous and the show was awesome.

After closing down the restaurant, we decided to head to the new casino in Des Plaines - Rivers Casino. And boy did we have a great time there too. We even went to the club that was in the casino too. LOL!!

But bad news... I didn't get up in time for my appointment this morning, which I'm totally bummed about.
And to make matters worse, Mayalis and I both got a case of diarrhea. UGH!! So I wasn't able to take her to her swimming class this morning.

So neither one of us has been able to eat all that well today. I haven't been able to eat well since Thursday morning. Feeling like this is terrible. I just want to get better already.

Maybe I'll see some great results on the scale on Tuesday night if I continue not to eat correctly and continue to run to the bathroom everyday.

So I decided to take her out for a little while... and because she is so stubborn, she didn't nap during the day, she was beyond a brat and she actually asked to go to sleep. Can you believe that she's been asleep since about 7:30pm?
But she did have a little time in the backyard, watching the planes fly by, looking at the moon and riding her big wheel.
Hey... I might not be a perfect mom but I try the best that I can for her.

And now I'm here... alone at home, while the monkey is sleeping and the hubby is out with some work friends.

I'm getting sleepy but I decided to write an entry tonight since I had the time to do it... and while the details of these last two days are still fresh in my mind.

Wishing everyone a great night!!

Woohoo!!! It's Friday!!

Happy Friday!!!
And I cannot wait to start my weekend off right... my hubby and my princess are going to be picking me up from the train today. Then tonight is Grissell's 40th birthday celebration at The Tiki Terrace. This should be a very good Friday evening. Especially after the day/night that I had yesterday!

Well, to backtrack, last night I was a mess... and I couldn't wait for Joel to get home from work.

I got home to pick up my car and go pick up the little one from my mother-in-law's house. My mom asked me to get some Chinese food for my dad and us since she wasn't feeling all that great either - she was in bed ALL day/night yesterday feeling worse than me - and she didn't cook. So I picked up the food with Mayalis and went home to eat something. 

Thankfully I only got some soup because I still couldn't eat anything. I ate a little of the soup, a dumpling and some pork. Okay... I had to have the pork, it's so yummy! But I couldn't eat much.
My mom couldn't eat that much either and she went back to bed.
After I finished eating, I cleaned up and then went downstairs with Mayalis.

I tried to get her to eat since I knew that she hadn't ate dinner at my mother-in-law's or at my mother's... but the girl just didn't budge. 
I changed her into her pj's and just waited on the couch until Joel got home.

He got home and it was time for me to get some rest.

He got the shower ready for me and while I was in there, I don't know how he did it but he got Mayalis to eat some rice with a fried egg. I am so grateful for him... he's so good with her. 

So I stayed a little longer in the shower and when I got out, she was almost done with her food.

That was my cue to get into bed... and even though my stomach was telling me that I was hungry, I didn't want food, I wanted my bed.

And sleep I did...!!! I slept so well that I woke up late this morning... LOL!! I woke up a little bit before 7:30am - that's the time I am usually taking the train. OMG! LOL!

So I jumped out of bed, got Mayalis her bottle and got dressed and out the door.

Can you believe that I got to work 5 minutes after 8:00am?!?! How wonderful is it that I don't have to drive anymore!? This chick thinks that it's SWEET!!! 

So I am feeling pretty fabulous about that... and I am so happy that I have people that I work with that understand that you can have a day that you wake up late or that the train can run late. Hopefully this doesn't happen to often.

But because of the sleep that I got, I am finally feeling better. Still kind of leery about eating so I haven't had a real good meal since Wednesday night. I am surely hoping that I can have dinner tonight, especially since I am going out and looking to have a good time! I am happy that I've been keeping myself hydrated... that's always a good thing.

On another note, I got the response back from the doctor about my pap smear and the other test. They said that I have to come in for my annual... so in order to get this done as soon as possible, I decided to go in tomorrow morning bright and early (8am) and get it over with. I want them to be able to send them the results to the fertility specialist as soon as possible. So I thought that doing it early in the morning on Saturday would give them plenty of time to process it and get it to the specialist.

Things are moving along... I am climbing this mountain and seeing my feet moving one in front of the other. I am feel positive and with a "can do" attitude inside of me!

So I guess I will leave this entry here... I have to start getting ready to leave for the day. I have so much to do before meeting up with the ladies tonight! It should be a good time tonight. And hopefully I have the energy to wake up in the morning to go to this appointment. YIKES!! LOL!

Great News!!!

I received the news that my referral was approved... and it was sent over to the fertility doctor yesterday.
Thank goodness I emailed my OBGYN and they got back to me.

So now, I just need to wait to hear back from my OBGYN about my pap smear and the chlamydia/GC test that I had last year for the specialist. I've already emailed her and now the waiting game begins again... hopefully it won't be too long before I hear back from either the doctor herself or her nurse. But I am hoping that I don't have to go in for the tests again - hopefully the tests from last year are enough.
If the doctor thinks that I don't need to have these tests done again, I can see if I can get into the specialist office next month. 

the journey of giving Mayalis a little brother or sister will begin again... and I know that Mayalis is going to be a GREAT big sister. She is so loving and attentive towards littler kids than her... and even those kids that are bigger than her too! LOL!

I hope that I can get the 8th of October for my appointment so that I don't have to take a day off to see Dr Davies. And I have two other dates that I can see her in November that hopefully I can do too.
So until they get the information from me, and they also have to get the schedule for October too, to see when they can schedule me in. 

I am so excited... I can't believe that the referral was approved. Since I hadn't heard from the OBGYN's office, I really believed that the insurance didn't approve me going. So even though I did get my period, with the way that things are going with my body, I am not sure if I will be able to get pregnant on our own. 
So with the grace of God, I am praying that things go as God sees fit for it to go.


But on another note... I've been awake since 3:30am (it's about 2:15pm right now) and I am not feeling well at all. I've only had a little breakfast, water and some hot tea. I know that I should have some lunch, but I am just not feeling like food right now. 

I woke this morning just not feeling good... pain in the stomach, headache, running to the bathroom because I just couldn't keep anything in. And of course, with a little bit of sleep, I am not feeling it at work today. I tell you, I don't even know how I am holding it together at work. 

I still have a little one to take care of when I get home tonight... I hope that she doesn't come home tonight with an attitude or anything because I am not going to have the patience with her tonight. :(

And to think, I still have 27 points to kill off today... I don't know how I am going to do that if I am not even hungry.
Hopefully this feeling goes away soon because I have plans for this weekend - starting tomorrow with Grissell's girls night at The Tiki Terrace in Des Plaines and Mayalis has swimming on Saturday morning. 

I pray that I get enough sleep tonight and that my monkey gets the picture that I am not feeling well. 

Stand back...

I am here and I am going to make my mark on the world... with what, you may ask? I don't know JUST yet but I will do something. Even if its for my own sake, but something that at least a few will remember me for. :-)

Okay... I was on a mission to get through all my emails... all 180 of them.
And mission accomplished!
I only have about 70 of them in my inbox... and only half of them are still reading as though they are still new since they are ones that I have to follow up on.

And my boss just informed me that she will be cc'ing me on even MORE emails... so I have to get something in place before she gets back in the office on Friday so that I can be ready for the avalanche of emails that I will be receiving.

I have a bunch of out of state travel forms that I have to get together for her to sign and turn in... she will be traveling a lot in the month of October.

So this morning, I am walking inside of my building towards the escalators to get to the elevators and something just came to me. I don't remember taking that same walk yesterday morning. It seems that I don't remember making that trek from the subway to my desk... and this isn't the first time that it has happened to me either. 

Kind of scary come to think about it. It seems that I am losing chunks of time in the morning when I am walking. Am I thinking about something that I am on autopilot when I am getting here in the morning that my mind just does it's own thing and gets me here in one piece?
Thankfully I don't have to walk outside when I get here... and I was losing chunks of time, I think that I would be even scarier.

So last night was another accomplishment for me at Weight Watchers... I am down another -1.2 pounds for the week. So my first month back on Weight Watchers, I am down a total of 6.8 pounds!!!!! OMG!! How amazing is that! I am so proud of myself.

Hopefully by the time we get to the trip in December, I will see a HUGE difference in my weight. But just taking it one day at a time and wishing for the best in this journey that I am taking for myself.

I am so happy that I am taking this journey of weight loss yet again... but this time it is for good. I am not going to let anything get in my way because I need this for myself.

The new year is going to be full of great things, I just know it... and I am going to make sure that it is. No matter what is done, as long as my family comes out ahead, I am happy with that. I need to make sure that my family is doing great both physically and mentally. That is going to be my goal for the rest of my life... to make sure that my family is good. And I need to start with myself. Once I get to my 5% goal of weight-loss (which is 12 pounds), I think that I will finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

I am not saying that the light of the tunnel of 12 pounds is my final goal, it just gives me hope that I am finally makes strides in the right direction towards my final goal of weight loss. 
And I know that with the grace of the Lord, I will get there. HE's gotten me THIS far, and I know that HE will continue to give me the strength that I need (and crave) in order to fight ahead.
And the good "fight" is what I am looking forward to continue to do in this life.

**and here I thought that I wasn't going to have anything to write about today**

I know that I mentioned that we took Mayalis to the movies on Sunday... but I didn't have a chance to upload the picture that she let me take of her with Nemo.

My little girl is getting so big... you can't deny that!!! And the little girl is so smart... she recognized the movie theater as soon as we drove up to it. She knew EXACTLY what we were going to go and see. And even though she didn't like the 3D glasses - which was a first! - she surely enjoyed the movie; and we enjoyed it right next to her. 


On another note, I still haven't heard from my OBGYN about the referral to the fertility specialist. :-( I was hoping that I was going to hear back from them at least by Monday and here we are, Wednesday, and not a peep. I guess I will have to contact them about the referral and see if they have gotten anything back. I would really want to know what the insurance tells them and I want to get pregnant with my next child as soon as possible.

As soon as I find something out, I will surely make it known...


Looking forward to this weekend... it should be a nice one.

And growing my wings I am doing... doing it slowly but I will get there.

Update on me... and what an update!!!

What a weekend it has been!!!

On Friday, after leaving work, I met up with Joel and Mayalis at the post office so that we can get her passport for our trip in December but unfortunately, they stop taking applications at 3pm... so much for that.

So after leaving the post office, we went to get some dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings. It had been a while since I had gone and it was so yummy!!! It was wonderful to have dinner with my two loves. After dinner, we took a wonderful walk around the outer mall that the restaurant is located at.
We stopped into Bed, Bath and Beyond, Carter's and Dick's Sports. After eating all that yummy food, it was nice evening to walk around and get some exercise in. After driving around for a little while, we headed home.

By the time we got home, Mayalis had fallen asleep in the car and we brought her inside then it was some relaxing time for Joel and I and it was time to get ready for Saturday morning for Mayalis' swimming class.

After leaving for the school with my mom on Saturday morning, we get there with time to get ready for the class - only to find out that the class was canceled due to the chemicals in the pool not being balanced enough for them to have classes. And something that morning told me not to go into school - since I had to be at the post office to get the whole passport process again - but I ended up going in.

So after getting out of the school, my mom and I went to the post office and then Mayalis and I went inside to turn in the paperwork to the post office worker.
Once that was done, I stopped at Dunkin' Donuts to get something to eat and to home I went to make sure that Mayalis ate her breakfast. 

One passport done... just three more to go. LOL!!

After eating breakfast, my mom and I headed out and went to run a couple of errands before I needed to get back to get ready for an outing that was planned with Joel and some friends.

While Joel went to drop off Mayalis at his mom's house, I decided to get myself ready and I was even able to paint my nails.

And boy did we have a fantastic time at the club last night!! I haven't had my hair turn stringy because of all the sweat in such a long time. We got home around 4am... and I slept until 11am. LOL!!

Joel and I got up, got ready to pick up the monkey and spend the day together as a family - which was great!

We went to get lunch at Golden Nugget and then we went to the movies to take Mayalis to see Finding Nemo in 3D. We had such a wonderful time watching the movie. After getting out of the movie, we went to the grocery store to pick up things to last us the week. And we came home to get ready for the week.

But the most important thing that happened to me today... my period came all on its own!!! OMG!!! I am so excited about it especially since I haven't heard back from my OBGYN about the referral to see the fertility specialist. Hopefully this isn't a fluke and this period is here to stay.... especially with the anniversary of the original diagnosis is just around the corner.

But I am feeling great about this... hopefully I will be sharing great news in the new year. Or whenever it happens, but as long as it happens.

Well, it's getting late and I need to get some rest.

Looking forward to typing some more tomorrow.

Hi... it's been a little while

And yes it has been a while... This weekend was a trying one and an eye-opener to things that I have to do in my life in order to move ahead.

But there is no reason to dwell on the past, the only (and best thing) thing to do now is to make the changes that I need to make in my life in order to get better and make better choices.
And that is why I am researching the things that I need information on and I am not clear on and make the moves that I have to do in order to forge ahead for myself and my family.

I am hoping that this coming weekend is a better one than this past weekend. 

Things are moving into the right direction... just need to get it all down on paper and I should be golden with some things. And continue working on other things.

I am grateful to those that continue to help me and steer me into the right direction. Sometimes this chick gets off course and needs a swift kick in the butt in order to get on track. And someday I will be able to repay them back for their love and support of me. It might not be monetary but it will be in some form that they will love and enjoy. :-)

An update on me... with so much going on this weekend, I didn't have a chance to think about my situation, which I am very happy about.

Not sure if I will be hearing from the doctor's office tomorrow or what, but let them contact me when they do so with the decision.

How strange... I feel that I have so much to type but yet nothing is coming out. I feel so confused. 

But one thing that I am happy about is that I got a special necklace that I didn't know existed. And the picture above is what it is... something to remind me of how much I have done in my life and how far I have come. 

I sent this picture to my wonderful hubby and in turn, he surprised me by tracking the person that makes this and got it for me. I am currently wearing it and I will continue to wear it as a reminder to myself. With each passing day, I am STRONGER THAN YESTERDAY.

Well, it's almost the end of the work day... and I should get some more work done, right? I feel like there is so much to do but I do not know where to even start. 

Letters need to be printed out and sent out... but do you think that I have a CLUE on where to start? Nope... none at all.

Evaluations need to be read and compiled into one document... and I haven't even touched them.

Out of state travel forms have to be done for upcoming travel in October and I haven't even started those either, and I said that I was going to get ahead of these so that things are done ahead of time. 

Meetings are to scheduled - thankfully the room is already scheduled - but I haven't gone over the meeting notes or even sent out an email to the participants to save the date for the meeting - maybe I'll do that now.

So I better get off this and get back to work... less than an hour left for work.

The weekend is upon us...

It's been a little crazy today but I'll take it. It hasn't given me the chance to think about anything but work and getting things done for upcoming meetings and other projects that I have been working on at work. It's almost 3:40pm and this is the first time that I have been able to get online and actually do some writing for today. I didn't even think that I was going to be able to do it today.

The last couple of days have been good to me... spending time with my loves and just talking about things with people have also helped a bit. Trying to keep things normal for myself is my biggest help.

Mayalis has been a little more fussy than usual... her biggest thing now is that she wants to hold onto the food in her mouth until she has made it watery. YUCK! I don't understand why this little girl just doesn't want to eat. I don't get it! 

I actually lay in the shadows of the night, while in bed, thinking about why she does that to herself? She's not hurting me, besides the fact that she isn't really eating, but she is hurting herself because she isn't getting the nutrition that she should be getting through the food that she eats.
I have tried to reason with her, I have fought with her, I have cried to her and with her... I don't know what else I can possibly do to have her eat. But nothing that I have done has stopped her from continuing to do this.

Once day you are going to find me on the floor just staring... at what? I don't know... but I know that this little girl is going to break me.

I love her with all that I am but I am at my wits end with her... I know that she needs to eat, everyone else in her life knows that she needs to eat. The only one that has missed the memo on that important part of life is her. I just continue to try with her and continue to pray that one day she will snap out of this funk of not eating and she will start to eat again.

And that is where I am right now... especially with all that is going on with me. I just want to sit down and cry... and continue to cry until I can't cry anymore. My true colors are finally coming out and they are running... they aren't as bright as they used to be.

I want to be bright again... I want to be the happy-go-lucky person that I used to be... so long ago. I don't even think that Joel has really seen that person and we are headed into 5 years of marriage (7 years together) next year. My rainbow isn't glowing like it used to. 

Or is it that I am afraid of letting my true colors shine through my life. Am I allowing things to take over my aura and not allow my true self shine?

I don't know - I am just here, waiting to see where my life takes me, where it leads me.

Yesterday I mentioned climbing a mountain and seeing what is on the other side - but am I ready for that? Am I ready to see what the tip top of that mountain is waiting to show me? Maybe I'll just stay here on the ground. 

But what does that show Mayalis? That her mother is a coward? That her mother doesn't like change? That her mother isn't strong enough to face things head on? But more importantly, what that show about me? All those same questions can pertain to me too. Am I a coward? Do I not like change? Am I not strong enough to face things head on?

Of course I am not a coward!

I love change! It makes life interesting!

Hell yes I am strong enough to face things head on!

I have been told so many things in my life that I am not sure that I have even shared half those hurtful things that people that told me or those hurtful words that people have made about me. I know that people make comments about me behind my back... I know that sometimes it is those close to you that make those comments too.

To that I say, screw it... if you were so brave to make the comment to someone else, you are the coward not to tell me in my face.

I know that I am stronger than a lot of people that I know. Most people in my present or past life haven't gone through even HALF of what I have gone through. But I am still standing! It might take me down for a moment, but in the end, I am able to get through it! And a lot of the times, I have been able to face those things head on.

Hey... If I've faced death head on a couple of times. I think that I can take any thing else that someone might want to throw at me.

I might be a sensitive or emotional person... but I will never apologize for being either! Because of the fact that I am both, I am so much more! I am a stronger person because of those two qualities.

So I leave this entry with those words... more for me than for anyone else.
I continue to pray for the strength to let my true colors shine again... I hope and pray that my colors can outshine me again.

Part 2 ~ The Waiting Game

And the waiting game begins... I heard from the doctor's office this afternoon. They emailed me to let me know that they have sent the referral into the insurance company and it should be 5 to 7 business days before they hear back from them on the decision.

So here I am... playing the waiting game. I am wondering what direction this referral can go. Since it's a new insurance, they can easily deny the referral and that will be the end of the road there. But the other direction is that this referral is the right one... the one that will finally go right. 

Don't get me wrong, I am super happy about my little girl and the fact that we were blessed to have her in our life. But I have to be strong and keep pushing to get her a little sibling. 

It's going to be an uphill battle to see what awaits me on the other side of this mountain that I am climbing but I am looking forward to seeing what is on the other side. I may not be happy with the outcome - or I may be happy with it - but once I know what is waiting for me on the other side, I think that the decision that needs to be made will be easier to make. 

And I know that I shouldn't be worried about how long this journey is going to take... but I don't want to be wondering about this forever. I know that these difficult times are something that will always be with me as a memory of how far I have along in my life... and a reminder that I am stronger than I truly believe that I am.

I laugh because I am scared... I yell because I am scared... I am scared because I truly am scared. I continue to be knocked down with the things that are happening in my life but I will continue to stand up and face things head on. That is the way that I need to continue to do things in my life... not afraid of the consequences because you only live once - and you have to live life to the fullest.


And once I have climbed this "mountain", I am sure that there will be another mountain that I will come face-to-face.

• A mountain that will test me
• A mountain that will test my faith
• A mountain that will test my strength

And I pray that I can continue to stand on my feet and climb until I can no longer climb.

I hope that I will be able to give that same strength that I am holding inside of me now onto my beautiful daughter... pass it along to her just like a stone. Something that she can always turn to and know that she will always have with her, no matter what the situation may be. Something that will always be instilled in her... a fighter waiting to come out and defend what she believes in. 

Dreadful Anniversary Coming...

Well, something that I thought that I wouldn't have to deal with is coming back to haunt me... the lack of a period.

Last year, I dealt with it and even though it was one of the hardest things that I had to deal with, I was able to overcome it because I started getting my period again in January and after speaking to the fertility doctor, she gave me hope that I was going to get pregnant on my own.

But here we are, almost 20 days before my one year anniversary of hearing those dreadful words and I still haven't become pregnant, and my last period was in July.

I have done two over-the-counter pregnancy tests and they have both come up negative... what is going on with my body again? Is my body attacking me again? I have contacted the fertility doctor's office and since I have new insurance, I have to get a new referral in order to see her again. I've already contacted my OBGYN and asked her to get me a new referral in order to see the doctor again. Hopefully I can get the referral soon and I can get in to see the fertility doctor even sooner.

I'm scared again... I don't want to go through the same tests that I went through before. I don't know if I have the strength for it. But I have to have the strength for anything that comes out of this... that's why I got the symbol for strength tattooed onto my body so that I can face the hardest times in my life head on!

I have to do this for me.
I have to do this for my family.
I have to be strong or I will be engulfed in my sorrow and I won't be able to come out of it this time, I'm afraid.

Why was I cursed in starting my life with my husband so late? I know that it is no ones fault the way that things turned out in my life... but it is just not fair! Other people have the option to have children for so many years and here I am scared out of my wits because I don't have that option any longer. I have to rely on modern medicine in order for things to happen for me.

When I get asked when the next child is going to come along, my heart breaks again and again as I have to explain to people that I am not sure when that will happen. Then comes the explanation on why that is. The looks of pure amazement come over their face as I tell them that I have been diagnosed pre-menopausal, that I have a slim chance of getting pregnant. The looks on their faces hurt me so much more... just reliving the day that I was told those words.

Lunch has come upon me and I have lost my appetite... I don't even want to leave my desk. Not that anyone around me right now knows what I am feeling but I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to see any smiling faces and I certainly don't want to see any pregnant women right now in my state of mind.

I know that I have to move forward... I do know this. I just can't sit here and wallow in my own sorrow for the cards that I have been dealt in my life.
I have to conjure up the strength to face the world.
If I don't do it for myself, I must do it for my daughter - she needs her mother to give her the strength to get ahead in this world - no matter what obstacles life might throw at you.

I walked outside for a moment to go and get some lunch when low-and-behold... I saw a pregnant woman!
Why are you doing this to me Lord? Why do you continue to test my strength like that? Why do you continue to throw wrenches into my life, and think that I have a clue on how to handle it? Do you honestly believe that I have that much strength?


I look back on all that I have been through in my life and realize that I have gone through so much more than most people know... and more than I want to realize myself. I know that things aren't always "rosy" and "cheery" and of course I have had my share of wonderful moments too... but certainly, I don't know how some other people in my life would be able to handle this situation in their life.

Knowing that you have no control anymore... not feeling like a complete woman at such a young age.
Knowing that you will have to deal with what your body would have to go through at the age of 34, when most women deal with this later in life. I know woman well into their 50's that still have a normal period.

I have to be strong... I have to psych myself into knowing that it's not the end of the world for me. I have to continue praying for the strength that the Lord has given to me to get through this. His light onto me so that I can get through this again.

I've already received the email response from the OBGYN advising me that she will start the paperwork for the referral for the fertility doctor... and her message even stated that she HOPES for a pregnancy!

I am an emotional wreck right now...
I am so blessed to have people surrounding me giving me strength... even though they might not know that they are giving it to me.

And starting over is what I am good at, right? LOL!! That's why I called this blog "Starting Over" because starting over is something that we must do on a daily basis - especially when we wake up every morning.
It is the start of a new day, every time we wake up in the morning and greet the sun.
It is the start of a new day, every time we pray for strength to get through a difficult time in our life.
It is the start of a new day, when we pray that something goes right for us (a loved one, a friend, at work, etc.).
And it is at the end of that new day that we have the time to reflect. To thank the Lord above for another new day... and a chance to live the way that we should be living.


And with that, I will continue to live for everything wonderful (and not so wonderful) in my life.
I will continue to pray for the strength that I need everyday of my life... for the strength to start over every day and move forward.


"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." - Mahatma Gandhi

A minor set back...

Okay... according to the scale, I gained 0.2 of a pound. But I have to say that isn't as bad as I thought that it might have gone.

After the loss of 5 pounds last week, I wasn't expecting a huge loss this week... but I wasn't expecting a huge gain either.

So the little gain of 0.2 pounds isn't a huge set back... just a minor one. Just need to tighten up the reigns this week in order to loss what I gained and hopefully lose a little more on top of that.

And I can't be too hard on myself after this gain... it was a holiday weekend and I could have done worse. I did have a family party at hall on Sunday night that I have to say I did pretty good at.

I came into my meeting tonight to be able to put this weekend of food (and gain) behind me... and starting over this week. And looking forward to the next couple of weeks ahead of possible great weight loss adventures.