Mend yourself... then things will fall into place

SLACKER!!!

LOL!!!

Okay... so a lot has been going on this month and it's only the 13th day of January.
But I shouldn't be slacking on my blog... this is something that I started and something that I should be keeping up. No excuses!

I had a break-through this past weekend... like I said, a lot has been going on but God sent me three angels with the names of Nayda, Diley and Yadira to help me through this.
My #1 angel is Joel... my husband... but those three sat me down and told me that I am not the person that they know, and they are right.

They notice that I don't smile as much.
They notice that I don't laugh as much.
They notice that I am not the person that they know.

This is affecting my life... it's affecting my marriage... my relationship with my hubby and my daughter... it's affecting my state of mind... it's affecting my health.

Something inside of me has snapped... 
It started back in September of 2014 when I felt something inside of me that just wasn't right... so I started to take my health a little more serious than I usually do because if I didn't, I know that I was going to have to look for a - and please forgive straight to the point message of this - cemetery plot for myself.

And every month after that, I have tried my best to focus on something that will change my life around.
But it wasn't until this past Friday - the 9th of January - that I broke down... I was seriously sitting at my dining room table, as a broken person. Facing these three angels, telling me that they noticed that I am not myself, and that they know that something is going on with me.

I closed my eyes for a moment and the tears just came down... I thought that they wouldn't stop.
I closed my eyes and saw that my family had moved on without me... because I didn't care about myself, because I didn't care about them.
I was going to lose my life to my negative thoughts... I was going to lose my life to my depression... I was going to lose my life to my lack of determination... I was just going to lose my life in general if I didn't do something about it.

And doing something about it is what I am doing... to get back my smile, to get back my spark, to get back my laugh - to get back my life!

I will no longer be the one destroying my life, cause that's what I was doing to my life - destroying it. I can't blame anyone but myself for not reaching out... for help, for assistance, for not seeing the help all along but I was just too proud or even stubborn to put my hand in theirs for help.
No more... I am not a superwoman in real life. Everyone needs help here and there... and asking for help is not a sign of being weak. Not asking for help, when you clearly need it, is a sign of not being grateful for the wonderful people that you have around you.

So with that, I will leave you with a poem that I came across this morning, that a friend left for another friend... sometimes you have to "mend your life" because you are able to move forward.
Focus on yourself... cause if you can't help yourself, how can you truly help others.

The Journey by Mary Oliver

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save.