It's not that I am... just that I feel it.
Feel as though I'm an outsider, for some reason... I'm sitting here wondering.
It feels so strange... not being able to just pick up a feeling and make it go away.
It feels so out of touch... that I have the love of my husband, daughter, mother and friends but have lost the love of a brother.
That's what I am feeling... the lost love of a brother.
When he sent me a text for Thanksgiving that he was not going to come over... instead spent it with "friends". Couldn't even come to my house for my birthday...
I haven't seen him since October... time before that, June... time before that, April... time before that? Probably the year prior.
My daughter will be 5 in 32 days... I sent him an invitation to her party.
I don't think that I will hear from him... instead I will get a text stating that he and his family won't be able to come. My nephews birthday is two days prior to my daughter's birthday... but of course, he will make the excuse that they can't come over for a little while to spend time with the only niece that he has.
My only child.... my little girl that doesn't ask about her two cousin's anymore because she's probably forgotten about them.
My only child... that adores her cousin's but since they are older than her, they could care less about seeing her or talking to her.
My only child... that when first faced with her uncle, was afraid of him but as she grew older, loved being around him since he would give her the attention that she so desired from him.
My brother... the only sibling that I have but for some reason, can't stand the sight of my family.
My brother... the one person that I did anything for, without question.
My brother... who when was married, I was the first one to know and I took them out to eat to celebrate.
My brother... who I helped with his two children, when things were going for them. I was always there to help out.
But I write this open letter to him... as I will not be making an attempt any more.
I will no longer be shedding any tears for him any longer...
As time passes, I realize that my relationship with some people have just changed. I am so drained in knowing that things will never be the same.
The dream that I had last night of the huge party that you invited everyone to, except for me, showed me even more that our lifetime bond is officially gone.
I realize that you have your own family now... and I understand that... but we were family once and you used to come to me with stories and advise that you needed.
I have tried reaching out to you, my little brother, to let you know that I am here for you... but I guess I am not needed in your world. I now understand the pain that our mother is going through because of your choice to push your parents and sister out of your world. I guess we don't live up to your current standards of family.
I have put myself on the line for you so many times, only to be continued to be trampled by you.
Only when you have been drinking do you remember that you have a sister, a mother, a niece, a father and a brother-in-law... other than that, we do not exist to you.
Even writing this note - that you will never see - hurts me, that tears fall down my face. But I must wipe them away because crying them makes no difference if you aren't around to see that the way that you act towards me actually hurt.
Not only have I lost you, I have lost the two boys that you brought into my life when I was alone - my two nephews. Two boys that know NOTHING about me. Two boys that don't like being around me, when they used to love hanging out with me. Two boys that don't know anything about their only cousin that lives close to them, and who adores them from the moon and back. She used to constantly ask about them but since you took them away, they could care less about having her in their life and she doesn't ask about them anymore.
Your brother-in-law continues to tell me that you love me in your own way, but I don't see it... I woke up crying from that party dream that I had and he tried to reassure me that you wouldn't ever not invite me to something important in your life. I turned to the side... and knew deep inside, that you have already done that to me too many times - excluding me from your life is the biggest part that is being done right now.
So with this note, that you will never see, I bid you good-bye, little brother.
I know that you will always be in my heart but never in my life... not the way that I expected you to be.
I love you with all that I am and forever will.
No comments:
Post a Comment