02/24/2012

February 24, 2012
I didn’t work out yesterday but I really wanted to be in the pool and after waiting around for over 20 minutes in the hot tub (yes, I had a view of the pool from there! LOL!!), the guys that were in the pool never came out! UGH! And since I didn’t bring any other clothes for working out in the actual gym, I went home.
Thankfully the weather that was scheduled for yesterday evening didn’t come until later in the night and it didn’t take me too long to get home. The bad weather just came later in the evening, when I was already inside of my house, and I didn’t see it until this morning. And boy was it ugly! Snow and rain mixture isn’t the best thing for the morning commute. But I was lucky didn’t get to work late this morning… even though I was hoping for a school day! My thought on this type of weather is to just come down and make it worth my while! LOL!
But on a whole different note…
I was reading some blogs yesterday and noticed that I should be changing my whole view on life and the way that I should be writing this.
There are so many blogs out there that are just so uplifting about the way that people feel about different issues and how their struggle with weight loss has changed their way of thinking so much or how their struggle has showed them so much and made their life so much better. They travel more. They explore their desires more. They know what they want to do and see the road on how to get their so much easier.
And here I am, on the same road as many of these people are and I can’t see as clearly as they do. I want people to see me differently… I want to look at myself differently.
I want to explore my writing more. I want to be well versed on speaking so that when it comes out on paper, I know exactly what I want to say. Not just throw something together and hope that people know what I am talking about – not just “wonder” if they understand what I am saying.
I want to be able to stand in front of crowd of people and not feel like I am rambling on and on about a topic – and they wonder if I am EVER going to get to the point. Will I ever get to that point in my life that I am not rambling? Darn it! I’m rambling now! UGH!
I don’t want to dwell on the things that I did in the past that I can’t see the things that I need to focus on in front of me. I don’t want to continue to mess up my life that I can’t come back from the mistakes that I’ve done. I want to be a positive influence on my daughter (and any future children that I might have!). I want to be the one that she looks up to. I want her to know that all the sacrifices that I am making now are for her future. And of course for my future, because there are just so many things that I want to accomplish and if I don’t start doing them, I will never finish them!
I am so disappointed in myself in being strayed away from school when I was younger. I should have been done by now! I would have been done by now. Who knows where I would be in my career, but at least I would have my schooling completed if I would have stayed on track.
I should have stayed on track thing with this weight loss struggle. I wouldn’t be looking in the mirror with a disgusted look on my face because I am just not happy with my body.
I am just so upset with myself!!
I am the one that has held me back from so many wonderful things that I could have done. But there is nothing that I can do about it now. The only thing that I can possibly do is not fall into the same traps that lured me into those bad choices that I made before – that have led me up to here now.
Not only have I been my own best friend, I have been my own worst enemy. I am the one that has done this to me. No matter how much I try to say if it wasn’t for so-and-so coming into my life, I could have done this or that – in the end, I am the one person that is charge of my fate. I am the one in charge of my destiny. I am the one in charge of my decisions. And because of those bad choices that I made while younger, I am in the position that I am in now.
I am VERY unhappy with myself – both physically and mentally.
And that is something that I am hoping to fix this year. That is why I have declared this the year of MELI! This is the year that I make the changes that I need to make in order to finally become happy with me.
I’ve struggled for so long now about “loving” myself unconditionally. I have no issues or problems loving those around me unconditionally but it’s me! I am the one that I cannot love. And I guess that’s where a lot of my problems stem from, my lack of self love.
This journey that I am taking – and admitting to the world – will hopefully bring me to the point in my life that I am happy with myself. Get to that point that I want to look in the mirror and have that confidence that I have longing for.