March 28th, 2012

March 28, 2012
This title can mean so many things to so many people... and for me, I am feeling the same way.

But one can ask, what exactly am I letting go? For one, I know that I am letting go of all this weight that I have been holding on to for so long - finally!! And that is the most important one right now in my life. But I have also come to realize that I am also letting go of friendships that I thought that were vital in my life. Friendships that I have had for such a long time.

It all started with a friend from high school. After so many things that we went through, she made it very clear to me that my friendship to her wasn't necessary. So I got the picture and made my exit from her life. I have finally reached out to her after 7 years.

Another one was from someone that I've known just about my whole life... I meet this person when I was in like 2nd grade or so and we were friends ever since. We shared a lot of important things in our life: birthdays, births, weddings, her divorce, etc. But again, for no reason at all she stopped speaking to me. And after reaching out, I decided that it was time to move on and I haven't spoken to her in almost 2 years.

Now I'm realizing it with a few other people too... and even though they will always be friends, the friendship will never be the same. I've come to realize that I am mentality growing and they just assume that I am going to continue to be the same person that I have been. I want to be a better person. I want to experience things. I want to explore things in the world (even if I never leave my backyard). But I want to become a better person for myself. And I will not make excuses for the person that I want to become because I am happy with the person that I am turning into.

Also, it has come perfectly clear to me that I am not a vital person in their lives. And maybe "vital" isn't the word that I need to use... but the word just isn't coming to me right now. When you realize that people make comments about things that you didn't know was happening, then you know that they are deliberately keeping you out of the loop, that hurts! The moment that I would do something like that, I would never hear the end of it... and I am now being treated like the outsider. But that's okay, I am comfortable enough in my life right now that I am branching out, meeting new people, going out with my husband - enjoying life.

I have to do what is right for me and my sanity. I don’t want to continue to feel hurt by the way that people are treating me. And even though they might feel like I am being “sensitive” about the situation or I am “exaggerating” the way that I am feeling, I don’t care what they say any more. I am exploring what other things there are in life. And I am feeling great about that.

On another note, Mayalis totally messed me up last night! But in a good way! LOL! I put her to bed around 9:15pm so that I would know that she was asleep by the time I went to bed. So around 10:30pm, I went in to check on her – like I normally do before I go to bed – and could you believe that she was just laying there in the dark, wide awake!! So she of course saw me, and said… hi mami, I no tired. OMG!!! She spoke a whole sentence to me!!
I am so proud of her!

So I picked her up and took her to Joel and told him what she said to me… he was just as shocked as I was with her little sentence! She is just so smart!!

Even before going to bed, she amazed us by counting all by herself. She would grab a little lego piece and count “one” and put it into the bin, she did the same with “two” and counted all the way up to 13!!! Then she started doing the opposite (taking the pieces out of the bin and counting) but did it in Spanish!!! This little girl is a genius. I guess I am doing a pretty good job as a mom with her. I hope that her desire to continue to learn keeps growing. I want nothing but the best for my little girl!

Now I am sitting here at work with a dilemma. Some people here are going to be ordering from a restaurant… and I am really tempted to order some cheese fries. Fries are my weakness! OMG… I am so tempted but do I really need to have them? I only have 13 PointsPlus values left for the rest of the day –my lunch was already counted in already – and I would really like a glass of milk tonight before going to bed.

NO! I won’t do it... I can’t do it! I will not give into temptation of these yummy fries… well, not until I have activity points in my bank and as of today, I have NONE! I am going to cardio kickboxing tonight (hopefully) and I will hopefully get some much needed activity points that I need to get weekly.

Thankfully they are already placing the order while I am writing this… and the phone has been hung up! I made it!! I didn’t order the cheese fries!! I am so proud of myself… I had the urge and fought the temptation to get them. I am so proud of myself… hopefully as time moves on, I will be able to fight a lot more of those urges and get down to the weight that I need to be.

And even though I haven’t thought about it, I need to start… I need to know what my goal weight is. I have to know how much more I have to go so that I can start setting goals for myself. I am currently at 225… but what would be the ideal weight for me? Is 175 a good number? How about 170? Or even 165? So even if I pick any of those numbers, I am currently looking at a weight loss of over 50 pounds no matter what.

So, that’s the number that I need to strive for… a weight loss of minimum of 50 pounds. That would be most ideal for me to strive for. So for the next 39 weeks (that is from next week until the last full week in December), my goal is to get to my weight loss goal of 50 pounds. I want to get to my first year of Weight Watchers a whole other person.