I am not physically opening up a refrigerator door... I'm opening up the door into my life, into my soul, into the fiber of my every being and putting it out there for the world to see.
You see, I don't know anyone personally that has been diagnosed with peri-menopause and is still trying to have a child.
I do know of people that have been through the journey of trying to get pregnant because they are having issues but not because of their bodies starting to shut down before their time.
Don't get me wrong... I am blessed to have the child and family that I do have. I am not trying to be greedy by trying to have another child for me, because that isn't the frame of mind that I am working with here.
I am not an only child... and even though I don't have the greatest of relationships with my brother, I don't want my little princess to grow up alone. She doesn't deserve that.
She deserves to have a little brother or sister... someone that she can play with, someone that she can grow with, someone that can be there for her when she can't come to her parents.
So, no... I am not being greedy for myself, I am being greedy for my child and fighting for my chance to give her this.
I am currently reading a book about a woman that is going through the same exact things that I am... the higher level of FSH in her blood and trying to get pregnant before the levels are just too high to do anything about it.
I have been battling these levels for a year and a half now... and now that I am reading this book, I am have the fighter in me growing even stronger.
You see, the author of the book figured out a way of getting pregnant and having her second child.. and I plan on finishing up this book in order to find out what exactly she did to get to this point.
Just like the author, I am also fighting for my child.
She deserves to have that companionship that I had with my little brother... the playing, the fighting, the hugging, the teasing, and everything else that comes along with having a sibling.
It is so hurtful to me when people say that I shouldn't push trying have another child.
I wonder how they would feel if someone told them that they couldn't have another child... and that was it. Would they be so keen on just sitting there and taking that news? Would they just sit there and just be okay with that notion that their child would grow up an only child - especially when the parents have siblings of their own?
I don't think that they would.. I truly believe that no matter what, they would also fight against the odds that they were given and see where this journey takes them.
Last night, I went to the gym and while listening to the radio, a song came on... while in the middle of my training session of the C25K app of warming up... and I decided to run. According to the training app, it wasn't time for me to start running but between what I was feeling from reading and the power of the song that I was listening to (which it turns out to be my princesses' favorite song: Maroon 5's One More Night) gave me the strength to just start running... and ran I did for 5 minutes straight! I couldn't believe it!
I haven't ran that long yet in my training... but it sure felt FREAKING great! I sure did feel it afterwards. LOL! My legs felt like Jell-O afterwards.
And to top it off, I had to walk up to the 3rd floor, where my car was parked, because the elevator was out of order. LOL! Okay laugh... I walk down the stairs and take the elevator back to my car. :-)
Okay... remember, I am still reeling from the feeling that I have been able to run for 5 minutes straight and the information that I have been reading - so I get into my car and the first song that I hear is Kelly Clarkson's Catch my Breath and OMG, I just lose it! I turn up the volume, start singing along with the song, all along with tears coming down my face.
I couldn't believe that I was trying to drive like that but I did manage to do... blurry eyes and everything going down the ramps of the parking lot of the gym.
By the time I got home, I was feeling so much better... I cried it out and felt myself getting stronger. Something that I need for myself... to become stronger not just for my family but especially for myself.
I feel the strength growing inside of me with each passing moment... and I know that with time, I will be able to get through this journey with my goal.
And that right there is how I figure out what is important to me... whether I walk away or try harder.
Right now, the only thing I want to do is continue to TRY HARDER each and every day! And that is how I will continue living my life.
I appreciate those that have continued to support me during this time.
I appreciate all the prayers that I have been said in my name during this difficult time in my life.
I cannot wait until I have my little princess in my arms this evening... and in the arms of my love.
Have a wonderful afternoon... and hasta la proxima!
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