Starting again...

I've been asked to start putting my journal on my blog... not sure if anyone will read it but I will start with the most recent one that I wrote.


January 26, 2012
This week has been great… I’ve already been to the gym three times this week and I’ve kept the promise that I was going to go four days a week. I am so proud of myself. Yesterday was sort of hard because I wanted to go home and just relax but I knew that it would be harder to go on Friday after work, so I made myself drive to the parking lot of the gym after work.
I am looking for more ways to make my weight loss even easier… besides the Weight Watchers and gym. I am so glad that I never decided to go the surgery route… I really think that I would have failed at keeping up with it.
I know that I have to buy some more multivitamins… I am running super low. Like I only have like 4 pills left in my jar.
I finished up my period earlier this week… so now just checking my urine with the ovulating kit that I purchased. According to my phone app (My Days), I should be ovulating starting on February 16th… but I’m still going to be checking with the kit. I might even buy another one since I am not sure that I will still have enough sticks that will check my urine until the 16th of next month. I have to get another one this weekend for sure, I don’t want to be caught without it.
The weather lately hasn’t been all that great. Just today, there is absolutely no sun out. How dreadful! I need the sun… I crave the sun… I love the sun! But what can you do, right? You can’t control the sun or the weather. ☹
I can’t believe how much a person’s attitude can change when they start to look at things through another set of their own eyes. I’ve been seeing things so differently lately. I see myself in a whole other light. I know that things haven’t been the greatest for me the last 6 months, but I trying to turn things around for myself. I need to do that, because I can’t keep bringing myself down.
I need to be a great role model for my daughter (and any future child that I might have). I need to show Mayalis that no matter what obstacles God might put in your way, you must have the strength and faith to know that you will get through it. And believe me, I have had my share of obstacles in my life. I’ve had my heart broken so many times. I’ve felt that I was never going to find happiness after it was ripped out of my life. I’ve felt that I wasn’t good enough for anyone to love because no one wanted to love me. But it was because I believed in God and knew that He had something wonderful in store for me that I was able to rise above it all.
And it’s weird because I was having this same conversation with two friends today… what hurts more, physical pain or emotional pain? I concluded that emotional pain hurts more, for me. Physical pain, for me, is easier to treat. You can take some type of pain killer and it will take some time, but the physical pain that you are going through right there and then will go away. But when it comes to emotional pain, those scars don’t go away so easily. I know that they don’t with me.
After my ex-boyfriend broke up with me, I was crushed! I thought for sure that it was over for me. It took me a year to be able to look another guy – and just look. I couldn’t even phantom the thought of having another relationship with someone. The hurt was just too raw. He was always in the back of my mind. And the reasoning behind why he didn’t want to be with me anymore (after 2 ½ years together) just didn’t click with me. And it still doesn’t, still after all these years. And we have both moved on with our lives. He and I have become friends on Facebook but I haven’t seen him in many years. I don’t think that I can ever see him in person. Even though I have seen him in person, but every time I think about the “excuse” that he gave me for breaking up our relationship, I just want to punch him! But it is what it is. This was my first real test of becoming stronger.
After that, I fell in love with another person that never became my boyfriend. We were very good friends, and he was the one that opened me up again. I told him my hopes and my fears, my dreams and my ideas. But I guess I wasn’t what he wanted at that point in our lives. And we went our separate ways. Even though throughout the years, we became friends again, things were never the same and I decided to let the friendship fade away. I never understood why he treated me the way that he did, and I might never understand it. But that’s okay… someday I expect that he will find happiness in his life because in reality, that’s all I really wanted for him – to be happy with the choices that he makes in his life. I know that he has made it known that he messed up not only the friendship that we had, but he knows that I was his one true love – something that he knows that he can never have again. But one thing I can do is credit this person for bringing me back to life because I never thought that I would be able to love again and even though I never was able to call this person “mine”, in my heart (at the time), he was.
And it wasn’t until many years after this person walked out of my life, I found the man that would really bring happiness to my life. The man that became my best friend became my fiancée and later become my husband – and now the father of my beautiful little girl. And even though yes, we’ve had our ups and downs, I love this man with all my heart. He is the one that is always looking out for my best interest. He is the man that wants me to grow into the best person that I possibly become. My monkey for life. ☺ This man is the man that I have been looking for my whole life. And when I finally told the Lord that I was done with putting myself out there, after I told the Lord that I was tired of being hurt for no reason by people that I thought that cared for me, He put Joel in my path. He put this wonderful (and stubborn) man in my path. We are currently walking down this path together with our wonderful little princess. He has been my rock when things in my life have been too much for me to handle. He is the one that reminds me that things can be worse (which they could be) and that I am stronger than I ever think possible. And for all that he does for me, I thank the Lord for bringing me a strong man into my life. A man that showed me that yes, I was put on this earth to be loved by someone. A man that showed me that yes, I am worthy to have someone stand by me and care for me, as I would so do so for them. I thank the Lord each and every day for Joel. And no matter what life throws at me (or us), I know that it will only make our relationship stronger.
The biggest test of our relationship was the day that I found out about my menopause. I thought for sure that he wouldn’t want to be with me anymore, but he surely proved me wrong in every aspect of that thought. Between him and my mother, I have been able to get through this. But it has been Joel that has jumped into this head first and researching everything and anything possible that can be done for me. I couldn’t even type the word “menopause” into the search bar on the internet at the time. He was the one that got me my pills and vitamins when I first found out about this. I will repeat this again, probably a hundred times, but he is my rock! And no matter where I go, he always will be.
And it is because of him and Mayalis (and some others) that I decided to lose weight, to write this journal… to become the best darn person that I can be. Because if they believe me, I need to believe in myself.