Feeling alone in this part of my journey...

So I decided that I wanted to keep this blog fresh... I don't want to feel like I don't have anything to write - but writing is something that I love to do and it allows me to express the way that I feel - nor do I want people to start feeling bored while reading it.

But what can I say today that hasn't been said before or sound that I am reaching? I really don't know...

There are so many things running through my head right now... running, school, an evaluation that I had at work, the princesses run on Sunday, the hubby's upcoming birthday on Monday, etc. Again... things that I have written about.

I guess I can go into my pockets and pull out something that I have never spoken about but what's the point of digging up the past? Nothing really... it's called the past for a reason. And the people that were in the past that caused me pain aren't in my life anymore, so why give them time on my blog if there aren't of any significance in my life. Right?

Things have been good this week... and there is no excuse on why I haven't been writing. There has been a lot to share but again, I didn't want to make it feel boring by writing everyday.

Christmas tree is up and looking quite beautiful.

Christmas Eve and Day will soon be upon us... and I can't wait to see the look on my little girls face when she opens up her presents.
We still need to take her to go and see Santa for her pictures... we didn't have the opportunity last year and I felt terrible about it. I really want to get her pictures this year. I want her to be able to look back onto her childhood with wonderful memories helped created by her parents. :-)

Thursday started VERY early for all of us...

I had a very early doctor's appointment - 6:30am - at the fertility doctor's office. I still haven't gotten my period and they are trying to figure out why it hasn't happened yet. So I had to go in for some blood work and another ultrasound. Now just playing the waiting game on what my next steps are going to be. 
But it just seems that the wish for another child is becoming dimmer... :-(

So after that... it was a full day of work and getting things done for the "man". LOL!!

After being picked up at the train by the hubby and then going to pick up the princess, who was with her grandmother (my mother-in-law), we went to Fleet Feet to pick up the princesses running packet... I am so excited for her!!!

Her t-shirt and bib #

OMG... it was just so exciting to be with the hubby and her to pick it up!
And while we were there, we looked at running shoes for me... and I am happy to report that I have my first official pair of running shoes. So exciting!
I am going to be hitting that ground with even more support than I ever thought possible. I cannot wait until I am able to run in them.

Then after we left the store, it was WAY too late to go home to try to cook so we ended up going to our favorite sushi restaurant for some much needed sushi fix. LOL!
It was so yummy!!! And the princess behaved so well while we ate our rolls... and the fact that she ate a whole bowl of white rice with chop sticks - that daddy fed to her - was even more precious!

Daddy feeding princess with chop sticks!

YUMMY, YUMMY sushi rolls!

We all got home with very full tummies and very tired!
After getting the princess into bed, this chick was exhausted but I wasn't going to go to bed without doing my 45 squats of the day - which was done with the hubby. Once that was done, I plopped myself onto the bed as well and went right to sleep. AHHH... it was great to get some rest.

Today's squat challenge will be 50 squats! And I can't wait to get home tonight in order to do it... but of course that will be after I get home from the holiday party that I am going to with the people at work. We will be headed over to Bar Louie on Dearborn Street with other people here in the office.

This weekend is going to be wonderful...
Tomorrow I will be spending it with my two loves and then that night I will be taking my first love out for his birthday with some friends. We will be going bowling and having a great time. :-)
Then on Sunday, it will be the day of the princess since we will be going to see her run her first "race" - the Donner Dash! Hopefully it won't be too cold so I don't have to overdress her because of the weather. But as the day gets closer, I am so excited for our little princess to participate in this race.
Hopefully she won't freak out and not want to finish the race... there is a finishers award at the end. :-)


On another subject...

This whole situation with me experiencing perimenopause and if you don't understand what that is, here is the definition, is really becoming a reality to me: 

Perimenopause generally begins as a woman’s body gradually stops producing the hormones estrogen and progesterone, typically around age 45, although it can happen at any age depending on the individual. During perimenopause, a woman may experience irregular periods, premenstrual symptoms, anxiety, depression, mood swings, fatigue, weight changes and increased cramping or problems with cycles.

I have been experiencing a wave of emotions lately... and something inside of me is gnawing at me for the past couple of weeks/month.
And with the phone call that I received from the fertility clinic this morning about my hormone level, didn't help my situation nor my frame of mind.

The nurse called me this morning and told me that my FSH or my Follicle-stimulating Hormone was too high, which was why I can't ovulate. She said that she wanted the number to be at or under 10 but she said that my number was closer to 20. 

When I went online to read what this FSH is, I was just so confused, hurt and enraged at the same time.
The information that I found says that: 
As a woman nears perimenopause, the number of small antral follicles recruited in each cycle diminishes and consequently insufficient Inhibin B is produced to fully lower FSH and the serum level of FSH begins to rise. Eventually the FSH level becomes so high that downregulation of FSH receptors occurs and by menopause any remaining small secondary follicles no longer have FSH receptors.

That's exactly where I am right now... I can't make any follicles on my own because this level is so high.
Now they want me to go on low-dose birth control pill so that I can bring that level down.

I thought that I was past all this hurt/rage towards what is happening to me... but when I continue to read that most women start to experience this in their early 40's, and I started in my early 30's... it just enrages me even more that I am going through this chapter of my life even earlier than I should be.

It's just not fair...!!!
Why me?
I wasn't done with birthing children...
My decrease in my sexual appetite - THERE! I finally admitted it! - is really taking a toll on me!
I don't want to feel like an 80 year old woman!!

I am not even close to closing the door to my life... I am only 35 years old!
I have a beautiful 2 year old daughter and a vibrant 37 year old husband - they are both so full of life and I feel like I am sucking the life out of them because of the way that my hormones are treating me.

I just want to be a normal 35 year old woman... a woman full of energy... a woman full of sexual desire... a woman that is normal in the sense of any other 35 year old fertile woman.

I feel drained... I feel like a burden... I feel useless!

I don't want to feel like this anymore... I AM TIRED OF ALL THESE NEGATIVE FEELINGS!

There isn't a support group for someone like me...
My friends have NO clue what I am going through. They can still have children without resorting to medical assistance. They can still count on having their periods every month without fail.
And I know that I should not be angry about the natural things in life... nor should I be jealous about things that I don't have control over... but these things are starting to take a toll on my spirit.
And I am trying really hard not to let this journey that I am on be put into a negative downward spiral because the way that things are working in my mind but don't they go hand-in-hand because this is me we are talking about. 
My life...
My spirit...
My frame of mind...
My sense of womanliness... 

I am alone in this... no matter how many people surround me to make me feel worthy, to make me feel that this isn't the end of the world... I am alone.
And no matter how I look at it, there is no denying that this is the end... or soon to be the end... of my reproductive years. It was short lived and I am hoping and praying that before it is completely in full effect, I will have another bundle of joy to join my family.


I apologize this post is a little emotional... but it was ever harder for me to write it and I am sure that this won't be the first of many breakdowns that I will have as this journey gets further and further.

There might be a light at the end of the tunnel for one thing - my weight - but I am straining to see the flicker of that candle for this.