I lost it all...

Not physically... not emotionally... not mentally. 
But I lost it all... the dream of having another child.

The money that we need to get the donor egg seems further and further away.
As hours turn into days... as days turn into weeks... as weeks turn into months... and the months have turned into years (2.5 years to be exact), we have struggled to see how we can come up with the $12,000 that we need, but even after doing what we thought we can do and even putting out the call to have people help us, we are still short.

But as I sit here writing this... the dream keeps slipping through my fingers. 
I can't keep holding onto a future that is uncertain.
I have a wonderful family in front of me that I am so blessed to have already.
I can't be greedy... I need to be grateful for what I do have.

Believe me... I am beyond grateful for the wonderful husband that I married, and the just gorgeous child that we were blessed with.

Is it fair that this happened to me? The fact that my body decided on it's own to stop my ovulating right after I had my beautiful little girl.

Is it fair to my husband? That his dream to expand his family is now stopped because of my body's decision.

Is it fair to my darling little girl? That she tells me just about every night that she doesn't have a brother or sister... because she sees it on television.

NO! It isn't fair... what my body has caused to not just the three of us, but to both of our mothers who thought that they were going to get more grandchildren from their own children. To my father who adores his only granddaughter and looks at me with sad eyes knowing his only daughter is no longer able to have children.

Okay... I just can't write anymore... 
I'm torn inside... the tears are just running down my face and I can't see through them any longer.