The weekend is upon us...

It's been a little crazy today but I'll take it. It hasn't given me the chance to think about anything but work and getting things done for upcoming meetings and other projects that I have been working on at work. It's almost 3:40pm and this is the first time that I have been able to get online and actually do some writing for today. I didn't even think that I was going to be able to do it today.

The last couple of days have been good to me... spending time with my loves and just talking about things with people have also helped a bit. Trying to keep things normal for myself is my biggest help.

Mayalis has been a little more fussy than usual... her biggest thing now is that she wants to hold onto the food in her mouth until she has made it watery. YUCK! I don't understand why this little girl just doesn't want to eat. I don't get it! 

I actually lay in the shadows of the night, while in bed, thinking about why she does that to herself? She's not hurting me, besides the fact that she isn't really eating, but she is hurting herself because she isn't getting the nutrition that she should be getting through the food that she eats.
I have tried to reason with her, I have fought with her, I have cried to her and with her... I don't know what else I can possibly do to have her eat. But nothing that I have done has stopped her from continuing to do this.

Once day you are going to find me on the floor just staring... at what? I don't know... but I know that this little girl is going to break me.

I love her with all that I am but I am at my wits end with her... I know that she needs to eat, everyone else in her life knows that she needs to eat. The only one that has missed the memo on that important part of life is her. I just continue to try with her and continue to pray that one day she will snap out of this funk of not eating and she will start to eat again.

And that is where I am right now... especially with all that is going on with me. I just want to sit down and cry... and continue to cry until I can't cry anymore. My true colors are finally coming out and they are running... they aren't as bright as they used to be.

I want to be bright again... I want to be the happy-go-lucky person that I used to be... so long ago. I don't even think that Joel has really seen that person and we are headed into 5 years of marriage (7 years together) next year. My rainbow isn't glowing like it used to. 

Or is it that I am afraid of letting my true colors shine through my life. Am I allowing things to take over my aura and not allow my true self shine?

I don't know - I am just here, waiting to see where my life takes me, where it leads me.

Yesterday I mentioned climbing a mountain and seeing what is on the other side - but am I ready for that? Am I ready to see what the tip top of that mountain is waiting to show me? Maybe I'll just stay here on the ground. 

But what does that show Mayalis? That her mother is a coward? That her mother doesn't like change? That her mother isn't strong enough to face things head on? But more importantly, what that show about me? All those same questions can pertain to me too. Am I a coward? Do I not like change? Am I not strong enough to face things head on?

Of course I am not a coward!

I love change! It makes life interesting!

Hell yes I am strong enough to face things head on!

I have been told so many things in my life that I am not sure that I have even shared half those hurtful things that people that told me or those hurtful words that people have made about me. I know that people make comments about me behind my back... I know that sometimes it is those close to you that make those comments too.

To that I say, screw it... if you were so brave to make the comment to someone else, you are the coward not to tell me in my face.

I know that I am stronger than a lot of people that I know. Most people in my present or past life haven't gone through even HALF of what I have gone through. But I am still standing! It might take me down for a moment, but in the end, I am able to get through it! And a lot of the times, I have been able to face those things head on.

Hey... If I've faced death head on a couple of times. I think that I can take any thing else that someone might want to throw at me.

I might be a sensitive or emotional person... but I will never apologize for being either! Because of the fact that I am both, I am so much more! I am a stronger person because of those two qualities.

So I leave this entry with those words... more for me than for anyone else.
I continue to pray for the strength to let my true colors shine again... I hope and pray that my colors can outshine me again.