Dreadful Anniversary Coming...

Well, something that I thought that I wouldn't have to deal with is coming back to haunt me... the lack of a period.

Last year, I dealt with it and even though it was one of the hardest things that I had to deal with, I was able to overcome it because I started getting my period again in January and after speaking to the fertility doctor, she gave me hope that I was going to get pregnant on my own.

But here we are, almost 20 days before my one year anniversary of hearing those dreadful words and I still haven't become pregnant, and my last period was in July.

I have done two over-the-counter pregnancy tests and they have both come up negative... what is going on with my body again? Is my body attacking me again? I have contacted the fertility doctor's office and since I have new insurance, I have to get a new referral in order to see her again. I've already contacted my OBGYN and asked her to get me a new referral in order to see the doctor again. Hopefully I can get the referral soon and I can get in to see the fertility doctor even sooner.

I'm scared again... I don't want to go through the same tests that I went through before. I don't know if I have the strength for it. But I have to have the strength for anything that comes out of this... that's why I got the symbol for strength tattooed onto my body so that I can face the hardest times in my life head on!

I have to do this for me.
I have to do this for my family.
I have to be strong or I will be engulfed in my sorrow and I won't be able to come out of it this time, I'm afraid.

Why was I cursed in starting my life with my husband so late? I know that it is no ones fault the way that things turned out in my life... but it is just not fair! Other people have the option to have children for so many years and here I am scared out of my wits because I don't have that option any longer. I have to rely on modern medicine in order for things to happen for me.

When I get asked when the next child is going to come along, my heart breaks again and again as I have to explain to people that I am not sure when that will happen. Then comes the explanation on why that is. The looks of pure amazement come over their face as I tell them that I have been diagnosed pre-menopausal, that I have a slim chance of getting pregnant. The looks on their faces hurt me so much more... just reliving the day that I was told those words.

Lunch has come upon me and I have lost my appetite... I don't even want to leave my desk. Not that anyone around me right now knows what I am feeling but I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to see any smiling faces and I certainly don't want to see any pregnant women right now in my state of mind.

I know that I have to move forward... I do know this. I just can't sit here and wallow in my own sorrow for the cards that I have been dealt in my life.
I have to conjure up the strength to face the world.
If I don't do it for myself, I must do it for my daughter - she needs her mother to give her the strength to get ahead in this world - no matter what obstacles life might throw at you.

I walked outside for a moment to go and get some lunch when low-and-behold... I saw a pregnant woman!
Why are you doing this to me Lord? Why do you continue to test my strength like that? Why do you continue to throw wrenches into my life, and think that I have a clue on how to handle it? Do you honestly believe that I have that much strength?


I look back on all that I have been through in my life and realize that I have gone through so much more than most people know... and more than I want to realize myself. I know that things aren't always "rosy" and "cheery" and of course I have had my share of wonderful moments too... but certainly, I don't know how some other people in my life would be able to handle this situation in their life.

Knowing that you have no control anymore... not feeling like a complete woman at such a young age.
Knowing that you will have to deal with what your body would have to go through at the age of 34, when most women deal with this later in life. I know woman well into their 50's that still have a normal period.

I have to be strong... I have to psych myself into knowing that it's not the end of the world for me. I have to continue praying for the strength that the Lord has given to me to get through this. His light onto me so that I can get through this again.

I've already received the email response from the OBGYN advising me that she will start the paperwork for the referral for the fertility doctor... and her message even stated that she HOPES for a pregnancy!

I am an emotional wreck right now...
I am so blessed to have people surrounding me giving me strength... even though they might not know that they are giving it to me.

And starting over is what I am good at, right? LOL!! That's why I called this blog "Starting Over" because starting over is something that we must do on a daily basis - especially when we wake up every morning.
It is the start of a new day, every time we wake up in the morning and greet the sun.
It is the start of a new day, every time we pray for strength to get through a difficult time in our life.
It is the start of a new day, when we pray that something goes right for us (a loved one, a friend, at work, etc.).
And it is at the end of that new day that we have the time to reflect. To thank the Lord above for another new day... and a chance to live the way that we should be living.


And with that, I will continue to live for everything wonderful (and not so wonderful) in my life.
I will continue to pray for the strength that I need everyday of my life... for the strength to start over every day and move forward.


"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." - Mahatma Gandhi