How do I feel about that? Well, I do feel good that I am able to express the way that I feel but I know that I am limiting myself at times because I am sure if I really wrote what I felt, I probably would be ostracized by people for the way that I think. And even though I shouldn't care, but sometimes the thoughts that I have are just too out there for some people to understand.
That's okay... as long as I understand my thoughts and figure out what I need to do/say about that, I am fine with not expressing them on here. And of course there are certain people that I know that I can go to to express how I am feeling about things. Thank you!
As the anniversary of the start of this blog is coming - 01/28/12 - I have come to realize that I have shared a lot of my life with the world. Okay so I am not sure whether or not besides the people that actually get the email of this, if there are others on the blogger network are reading this because I really don't get comments posted to the actual post but either way, I am happy to those that take time out of their busy day to read a little bit of the craziness that comes out of my little mind. ;-)
This blog has really helped me with a lot of different issues that I have come across and things that I have had to think about. At times, I didn't know what to write and my fingers have just taken over and continued to type out what my mind seems to want to block out - like today - but I am grateful for the opportunity to go back and see how much I have grown as a person.
My dreams of someday publishing a book might not happen but you never know. Stranger things have happened to people. But again, do I want the whole world looking into my tiny little world? Making references to what I have done, what I have said, the problems that have risen out of my life? Then something inside of me tells me to stop writing this blog... to stop letting people read what is really on my mind. I don't judge what someone might want to do with their life; but yet am I afraid of the way that people might judge me?
I know at times I might not care how people perceive me... because that is their opinion of who I am. Do they REALLY know who I am? Have they sat down with me to ask me why I do the things that I do or say the things that I do? Probably not... and that's why they are so quick to judge or even make "fun" of me.
People that know me really don't even know me as much as they think... they might know enough of me to answer personal/business questions about me (or to help me out of certain situations) but about me completely, no one. I know that everyone out there hides a bit of themselves from the outside world. This is just something that is a defense mechanism against the judgement of the world. Sometimes people just don't understand what might be swirling around a person's mind. Nothing wrong with that... this is not to tell people that I don't share my world with them because I do - but there are just certain things that I believe that you just wouldn't understand. :-)
I had the opportunity to merge the world of high school (with a friend) with my current world this weekend. My high school friend reminded me of things that I hadn't thought about in a long time.
- My time of a pageant contestant
- My time of being a tester of products
- My time of being a "principal scholar" in high school
I guess seeing this side of myself compared to the side of me that I currently show, well, I don't know how to explain it but these are two different worlds. There are things here that I wouldn't mind merging - like the whole being back in school scenario - but of course there are things that I wouldn't want to relive from my high school days - like my attempt to take my life. Yes... high school was a very hard time for me and I just didn't fit in; I wasn't a REAL jock because I was in the bowling team and not the softball or basketball team, I was too smart for the regular class students because I was in honors classes and I wasn't smart enough for the honor classes students, I was "too pretty" for some and "not pretty enough" for others, I didn't date gang-bangers but they wanted to be my friend since I didn't want anything from them.
I didn't fit in anywhere... and I didn't know what to do.
So I did the one thing that I knew that I would be happy with - leave school as soon as I was able. And leave I did... 6 months before graduation, I was out of the door of the school with the credits that I needed to graduate in June.
I didn't want to go to prom, but my mom and some other people said that I would regret it. Believe me... I regret going. Spending all that money for something that I really don't remember or had a good time at? No thanks!
I didn't even want to go to my graduation but I did... and it was more for my mother than anything. I do remember that night... and I am glad that I went. It was closure for me, to shut the door on those 4 years that I spent at my high school.
And I haven't looked back since... Thankfully I haven't been to any of my high school reunions because that to me would have been another waste of money.
I tried to be on the reunion committee on the 10 year reunion but I was accused of "not doing my job" and the memories of not liking these people back in high school all came flooding back into my mind.
I had pushed all my feelings that I had for this particular group of people to the side so that I can find a different sense of them but of course they screwed that up for me. So I stepped down from the committee - can you believe that they wanted me to write a letter to the committee saying that I was abandoning them? - and went on with my life. To tell you the truth, I hadn't seen anyone from high school since... until I saw two people this year. And I think that I will leave it with those two people, I don't really want to see anyone else.
I guess I will have to finish this entry tomorrow... because the day got away from me and I couldn't finish it.
But that's okay... keeps those reading this on the edge of their seats. LOL!!
Hasta la proxima!
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